EP49 Brianna Makowka | A Sex Therapist Answered the Questions Everyone’s Afraid to Ask

Unknown 00:00:00:06 00:00:11:22,Classes in session. We have an amazing guest who is going to answer lots of spicy questions. Lots of interesting questions that you guys probably thought of.

Unknown 00:00:12:01 00:00:32:22,This guest helps people navigate one of the most important and sometimes most confusing parts of life intimacy. She is a certified sex therapist and divorce mediator who works with individuals and couples to rebuild connection, improve communication, and explore healthier relationships.

Unknown 00:00:32:22 00:00:38:15,Please welcome Briana makovsky. Yay!

Unknown 00:00:38:17 00:00:44:13,So happy to be here. Thank you. Thank you for coming. I think that a lot of our.

Unknown 00:00:44:15 00:00:53:19,fans and people who are going to be watching the show are going to be really interested in today's podcast, because, I mean, sex is something that we all do, right?

Unknown 00:00:53:21 00:01:17:13,Hopefully. And I think people are going to like this conversation. So I'm really excited about that. I feel like when you tell somebody you're a sex therapist, their response is always like, how'd you get into that? Yeah, right. So let's start there. I have learned that that's certainly a question that feels like a party trick. So I studied mental health counseling in graduate school.

Unknown 00:01:17:13 00:01:44:19,So I have a master's degree in mental health counseling, and I studied afterward for two and a half years to become a certified sex therapist. My origin story of what even brought me into sex therapy. I grew up in a very small, conservative East Texas town, okay? Where essentially women were socialized that your role in society is kind of to be subservient to a man.

Unknown 00:01:44:20 00:02:16:14,So I really wasn't taught anything about having a value in terms of building a career. The value was really placed on what your role is inside the home be a wife, be a house homemaker. And while those roles are very important, I just didn't learn that initially. So that translated into dating for me. Dating in high school was a little confusing because as it is for everyone, I would say yes.

Unknown 00:02:16:14 00:02:50:08,I remember feeling like I didn't have a voice because again, everything was sort of outside of myself. I eventually went to college and I was working in the modeling industry, and also I learned that my role at that time in my life was really predicated on external, nothing internal. So eventually the MeToo movement was happening, and that is the moment where I decided I should probably go to school.

Unknown 00:02:50:08 00:03:20:23,I should probably do something that's using different parts of my brain. And also I felt like I was perpetuating different ideologies that I didn't believe in. So I in grad school, I had to do a clinical internship, okay, working with general mental health concerns, anxiety, depression, all of the things that many of us as humans dealt with. But it just was kind of bullying.

Unknown 00:03:21:01 00:03:49:13,It has its place. Yeah, for sure. It just was not resonating with me. All throughout my life, I felt like a misfit. Okay. I felt like I was outside of the box. I would like to break rules. And I had a troublemaker, definitely troublemaker. I had a professor who essentially said, hey, all of your papers have to do with dating, sex, and relationships.

Unknown 00:03:49:13 00:04:17:00,You should think about specializing in that. Interesting. We did that. Well, then I discovered even beyond sex therapy, I have subspecialties of kink, BDSM, and consensual non-monogamy. So there's a whole arc of that's that's a lot. That's that's a lot. Do you think that you would have gone to it if your professor hadn't, like, planted the seed? Probably eventually it would have been many detours, but yes.

Unknown 00:04:17:01 00:04:43:04,And what did your friends and family think when you said, like, I'm going to, you know, specialize in this? Well, like many people, they had a particular type of misconception of what is a sex therapist? So my grandmother, I call her Meemaw. Meemaw. Is that a Texas thing? It is. Okay. Yeah, I hear that. So my mom. So Meemaw and I have this relationship where she was joking with me.

Unknown 00:04:43:09 00:05:01:18,Just what do you mean? You're going to be a sex therapist? My granddaughter. Yeah, but it was in a loving, endearing way. And eventually it was received well, because. So the reason, the reason it wouldn't be perceived well is because they think that you would be doing something else other than just like, counseling people. Yes,

Unknown 00:05:01:19 00:05:31:13,That is definitely the misconception is that I am doing sex work, that I am instructing people on how to engage in intimacy, and while that has its place as well, that's not what a sex therapist is. So that that was part of the hiccup. But yeah, what would what is like a day in your life look like for you?

Unknown 00:05:31:15 00:05:56:19,It must not be boring, that's for sure. It's not boring. In my clinical practice I see individuals, couples and poly. So what are poly cools? People that are polyamorous who are having multiple deeper loving relationships. So that might mean up to four people in a relationship that we are doing therapy. All of them together. All of them together.

Unknown 00:05:56:20 00:06:05:00,Oh my God, how does that go? It's so fantastic. It's so rewarding to.

Unknown 00:06:05:02 00:06:34:15,Some of them will be in the same room and some of them will not. I do remote therapy. So a day in the life though, it just varies. Sometimes I see individuals, sometimes they see couples. Sometimes we're working directly with a sexual dysfunction like erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, delayed ejaculation, pain during intercourse. Okay. So there's a lot of things that go into like being a sex therapist.

Unknown 00:06:34:16 00:07:00:02,Okay. I thought it was just like helping people, you know, overcome I don't know, like fear or but now you're saying, like, how can you how can you help somebody? Like who? Like, ejaculates prematurely? Yeah. Like just like quickly, just. Well, high level a sex therapist. By the time somebody walks in the door to me, they have already consulted with their other wellness team.

Unknown 00:07:00:02 00:07:31:12,So that might be a urologist. Okay. That might be a gynecologist. That might be their primary care physician. They have essentially ruled out that what is happening in their lives is not due to a physiological issue. So I it must be related to something psychological. So they come to me and we essentially do an assessment of lifestyle, diet, exercise, etc., etc. any kind of medications that might be impacting something like desire.

Unknown 00:07:31:12 00:08:00:09,Yeah, erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation. Most of those are actually rooted in a mind body disconnection for example anxiety. Yeah. Think of a typical neurotic New Yorker. Very, very high stress. Maybe they're very successful, but they're so disconnected to their bodies, not embodied. They're they're living in their heads. I feel like a lot of people are living in their heads.

Unknown 00:08:00:10 00:08:27:18,Oh, yeah. Yeah. Right. So yeah, I'm sorry to to to interrupt, but this one. Yes, this is a very, very common thing. People are just in general not in body. Yeah. So insects therapy it's talk therapy. But we're talking about anxiety and how it manifests as a physiological challenge. But it's not actually. Yeah. It's a psychological. Yeah. Hiccup.

Unknown 00:08:27:20 00:08:49:22,That's very interesting I understand it. You understand? I mean, I get it, I get it, too. But like when you actually sit down and, like, really think about it. Right? And it's funny that you say, like, a successful New Yorker because I feel I don't know if it's a stereotype, but I feel like the successful men always have something when it comes to, like, sex.

Unknown 00:08:49:23 00:09:19:05,Either you know, they're they're going to ejaculate too quickly or they have to get hard or. Yeah, I feel like it's a lot of pressure to perform, literally performing in their business world. Yeah. But then sometimes there's so much pressure to perform during intimacy. And for a lot of people, sex is the adult playground. People want to have an escape during sex and escape during intimacy.

Unknown 00:09:19:05 00:09:45:03,And if your your mind is programed to be in chronic stress mode due to your highly sex career. It's going to be very difficult for you to go into more of a calm state. Your whole nervous system might be dysregulated. You're always in fire flight. Exactly. You're always in fight or flight, and you might not be able to ejaculate if you're in fight or flight.

Unknown 00:09:45:04 00:10:13:21,How would that work for a woman who's in fight or flight? So that can be a low desire that might look or sounds like low desire that might look or sound like I just have no, no interest in sex or another really, really common presenting concern is difficulty achieving orgasm. Again, the person usually is not in their body.

Unknown 00:10:13:23 00:10:52:11,Yeah. Think of a very busy wife. Successful career. Sound familiar? Why are you looking at me? Okay. And now she's a mom, so she's got kids running around. Now she has to deal with household duties. And now she's expected to also be a sexual being. There's a lot of things that women deal with that. Yeah, it's really hard to compartmentalize and move out of these different roles into a role that feels like sex is now something for me, not something that I'm doing for somebody else, or like a chore.

Unknown 00:10:52:16 00:11:21:22,Exactly like duty sex. Yeah. Not. I'm guilty of that. Not good. So we all are guilty of those different versions of that. But if somebody is dealing with difficulty maintaining achieving orgasm, whatever you might want to call that, it is because they're also not embodied. Yeah. Most often. Yeah. You're not guilty of that. No problem. Missing the big.

Unknown 00:11:21:22 00:11:41:18,Oh that's I mean, even if I, even if I don't feel like doing it that that would be my issue because like our job is what it is. You know, I know, but I'm just saying that our job is being intimate. Oh, right. Right. Although, like we are performing, right, I still count that as we had sex today.

Unknown 00:11:41:20 00:12:01:19,Okay. So. But him, he'll be like, no, I want real sex right now. Because at the end of the day, like, even though it is like we still have that connection, it's like, okay, well now we've got to press play. Now we got to change position. So now we got a it's not 100% real. So to me I'm like, okay, I had sex today.

Unknown 00:12:01:19 00:12:23:20,So I'm okay for tonight. You know like like I'm okay to not do it tonight. But then he's like no I need that real connection. I need that intimacy. That's what it sounds like. You're craving intimacy rather than this because there's I feel like in correct me if I'm wrong, there's two ways to see sex. Sex could just be like the physical part of it, the pleasure.

Unknown 00:12:24:02 00:12:48:15,But, you know, for me, it's it's also the connection with my wife, you know, like to love somebody and feel wanted to feel desired and all that stuff. So I need that too. So if we, if we film one day. Yeah. It's this the physical part is good, you know, but also it's hard to connect on camera as real as we're trying to make it like it's it's very hard and it's not 100% real because you're still there filming.

Unknown 00:12:48:15 00:13:09:17,Change your position. Okay. Let's switch the camera. It's about the angles. Yeah. So when we just do it, you and I, it's like, okay, I can really dive into it now. Yeah. And I need that. I feel, and I'm probably wrong, that men just want to empty their sack. That can be that can be an experience. It's true, it's true.

Unknown 00:13:09:17 00:13:31:18,Some men just want to do that. Yeah, but my my my hubby, he's a lover boy. Oh, yeah. He's he's like a big lover boy. Remember we spoke to Tony Marzo about this? It's hard for me to have a sexual relation with somebody that I have. I don't have a connection. Like mental connection. Like I need to know who you are and, like, you know, I have to be attracted by you physically but also mentally.

Unknown 00:13:31:19 00:13:51:03,And that's a beautiful thing that you know that about yourself. Yeah, that's an experience that a lot of people. That's why I'm not a one night stand guy. I can't do that. It's just weird for me. That's why I remember it in the clock. That's why when we shot for for this. Yeah, this other thing, it's like. It's just so impersonal for me.

Unknown 00:13:51:03 00:14:13:10,It's very hard to, you know, make it work. But there was people around. There's people around. But even for riser, there was nobody there. Yeah. That's true. Just the pressure of things, you know, blocks you. Yeah. So what is your version of aftercare when you're moving away from. This is our work life we performed today. We perform. Yeah.

Unknown 00:14:13:11 00:14:35:04,But now this is our personal life. What's the aftercare part look like? Well, I think it's. It depends on the day. I feel like like you said, you know, I have a business. I have little ones. I have a home to take care of. I have meals to cook. So I don't think that I'm steady when it comes to sex.

Unknown 00:14:35:09 00:14:54:07,I can. I mean, one time I had taken out a calendar because I'm like, we do it a lot. And he's like, no, we don't. And I'm like, no, we do. So I took a calendar out and in 30 days we did it 23 times. So I mind you, there's a week of period where we still probably did it right.

Unknown 00:14:54:08 00:15:15:11,And so for me, it's never the same. Like there could be days where I just want him all the time, and then there's times I'm like, don't even touch me. You know, when we do film, though, sometimes I'm like, okay, I see what he means. Like it wasn't real connection. So now later I will want that real connection.

Unknown 00:15:15:11 00:15:46:15,But obviously like anxiety, life and whatever. I'm not stable when it comes to being intimate. And I do feel like sometimes we it does become a chore, you know? Yeah, it's a tricky thing. It really is. Fall into that. It's a chore. Yeah. We're kind of we're in a routine and particularly when it also involves part of your job, I can imagine then that feels challenging.

Unknown 00:15:46:15 00:16:12:22,Yeah. It is. Okay. There's a question here that I know people are going to want to want an answer to. How often should healthy couples actually be having? We want to know three times a day. Average is actually once a week. Can you believe it? Oh, I knew that. You did not know that. I knew that like, our average is super high compared to everybody else we talked to since we're 20.

Unknown 00:16:12:23 00:16:29:13,We you. So there's a thing that she does. Okay. She if we we have a date. Oh we see other couples. She'll be like, okay, well how many times a day or how many times a week do you have sex? Yeah. Because she wants to compare. Because because, you know, because I'm like because for me it's like once a day or once every two day, you know, I'm okay with that.

Unknown 00:16:29:14 00:16:56:12,And I know it's high. I know that I encouraged people to think less about quantity and more about quality. Yes. So we had a two week period where we couldn't we just couldn't. And then I like attacked him. Okay. And it was no, no. But I'm just saying like I really wanted him and I. Yeah. And it felt so good.

Unknown 00:16:56:12 00:17:23:09,And then he's like oh like that was really good. And I'm like, yeah, because I, I had time to miss you. Right. And build up anticipation. Exactly. So once a week okay. You're hearing them once a week is the average. Obviously some couples fall above that. Some couples fall below that when you're getting into territory of it. We actually haven't connected.

Unknown 00:17:23:10 00:17:45:17,It doesn't have to be penetration in the sense, but if we haven't actually connected in a while, then that's when you really want to look at that. Okay, well, I'm glad we're above average. Yeah. So next time, I mean, we almost went two days and he's like, I need release. No, no it was no, no. Like we were going on the third day.

Unknown 00:17:45:19 00:18:14:08,Oh man. After two days. Like that's all I think about. Like, you know, it's hard to focus function. Kneecap function. He's, you know, a healthy boy. What do you want? So he is a very healthy boy. Is there really such a thing as a normal sex life? There is no such thing as normal in general. Yeah. So you would define what normal is for you and for the people that you are engaging with.

Unknown 00:18:14:10 00:18:35:16,So no. Yeah. And there's such thing as. Absolutely not. I have questions in my brain that are popping up, but I really do want to want to do the ones that I wrote down. And I did have I did actually do like a little question box on my Instagram yesterday. I don't know if you saw it. And I had people ask me, I asked people, I'm like, what would you want me to ask the therapist?

Unknown 00:18:35:17 00:18:54:01,You know what, let's let's do those three right now. So I don't forget, obviously. Obviously they asked some really dumb questions that had nothing to do. There's no such thing as dumb questions. No, but it had nothing to do with. It's like, how can I sleep with you? That was the question. So it was it was done because it wasn't on subject.

Unknown 00:18:54:05 00:19:18:22,Okay. So I think I picked out 3 or 4 and I'm going to leave the last one, the one that I liked last. So how can I make her experience the most amazing orgasm? How can I make her experience the most amazing orgasm every single time? You can't make her. She is making herself, so it is not your responsibility to turn your partner on.

Unknown 00:19:19:04 00:19:55:21,It's your own responsibility to turn yourself on. Okay, so first of all, I like I would tell the the woman in this, I would tell the woman that she might need to really amp up for play in the sense that is mental foreplay. So for a lot of women, it getting ready to go on a date. Think of that moment when you would take a shower, put on your favorite outfit, put on your favorite soundtrack, your playlist, whatever it is to make you feel sexy.

Unknown 00:19:55:23 00:20:22:04,Some people even like to listen to erotic audio. Yeah, that's that's something like that. You're getting yourself in the mood. Okay, that is better than trying to rely on an external source like your partner. Interesting. Sorry. Question. Erotic audio. You mean like like podcasts or like somebody reading a book? An audiobook? Oh, okay. Yeah. I thought, like, porn or something, but a messer.

Unknown 00:20:22:06 00:20:51:08,Yeah, type of thing. So. Jessie, Jessie one, there's your response. I hope that helps. Jesse. Yeah. So Mark dot o s he says, how can I last longer? Sometimes I go five minutes, sometimes 20. Oh, you're not bad, bro. It's actually good. Well, first of all, stop thinking about the time itself. Because if you're noticing a theme, you're not embodied.

Unknown 00:20:51:10 00:21:20:14,Yeah. So when you're obsessing over I'm lasting five minutes, I'm lasting ten minutes, not lasting 20 minutes, you're actually not in your body. It's all about being in your body. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So first of all, take take off anything that's time related and then get back into what's enjoyable for you. What how you actually connect with your partner.

Unknown 00:21:20:15 00:21:44:18,Yeah. It's not about the orgasm. Although that's fantastic. When that happens. It's about we're having fun together in the moment. Yeah. Makes sense. Okay. This is the way. Oh, no, that's the good one. I'm going to leave last, so is going to I'm going to ask this because I think it's a little it's a little funny in my opinion because I have an answer to that.

Unknown 00:21:44:18 00:22:07:17,But I want your professional opinion. Is going to a swingers event without your partner a form of cheating? It depends on your relationship agreements. Yeah, of course I'm like, yes, no, but if if he has an open relationship, his wife or his girlfriend doesn't mind. Well, let me know. Is going to a stringer and vent without your partner a form of cheating?

Unknown 00:22:07:17 00:22:33:01,I feel like he's asking that because she doesn't know. She doesn't know? If she doesn't know, then yeah. If there are agreements in place that in the context of our relationship, we are monogamous or we go to play parties together in only at play parties is this acceptable. We're in the same room. Yeah. Doing the same thing at the same time.

Unknown 00:22:33:01 00:23:01:12,Maybe we're not, etc. if a partner is violating those boundaries on any level and they consider that cheating as a violation, then yes it is. It's not so black and white though it is. That's what I'm seeing. It all depends on the communication you've had prior, like with your partner negotiated. I feel like people don't go into that enough, like they don't talk about what's acceptable, what's not.

Unknown 00:23:01:17 00:23:24:07,What do you expect from me? What? You know, they just get into a relationship. And then the problem arises is a lot of the issue is that a lot of people enter, let's say, monogamous relationships. People generally know what that means. But there's a lot of things that people assign as cheating that they're assuming their partner would also see that as cheating.

Unknown 00:23:24:12 00:23:45:12,I liked somebody's Instagram photo. Is that cheating, yes or no? It's not often that we're having those nuance, in-depth conversations. Yeah. And normally that'll turn into a fight if you like somebody's photo and then the other person didn't want you to or whatever. I think that's that's fine. But you don't like anyone's photos though I don't care. Yeah.

Unknown 00:23:45:12 00:24:09:07,Like I don't like you want me to mean women. Yeah. I'll never yeah. I'm not. But but that's like we're in a monogamous relationship. We never had a conversation. But even what's cage? Just even. Even if I was in a polygon amorous relationship. Like I'm loyal to who I'm with. So I'm not going to go and watch other girls online and like their stuff.

Unknown 00:24:09:07 00:24:33:06,And I would say it also depends on how you define loyalty. Yeah. Yeah. Right. That's true. Good point. But for me, like my eyes are on you kind of thing, they better me. Yeah. I don't want to hear the last question from my IG post would be when should someone consider seeing a sex therapist? Oh good question. I love that question.

Unknown 00:24:33:07 00:25:02:07,Let's let's see. We'll shout out suitcase for why. So earlier, one of the questions I was mainly focusing on the physiological challenges. Well that's really important to explore within sex therapy. Other aspects that are maybe not so obvious within sex therapy could be what are my values around sex? What did my culture teach me about sex? Sexuality? Who am I as a sexual being?

Unknown 00:25:02:08 00:25:33:19,Was I raised in a particularly conservative environment where now I'm carrying shame around me, but I'm not realizing that I have shame, and I'm I'm feeling uncomfortable in my body. I'm feeling I can't access something. I want to have everything on the table I love. There's nothing wrong. I want to enhance it. Yeah. So it's a lot of different aspects of when somebody might want to come to sex therapy.

Unknown 00:25:33:19 00:25:56:10,If you want to improve communication, if you want to improve a connection with a partner, if you want to improve a connection with yourself, that's very important. Yeah. Do you what is the most thing that the like the patients that you get, are they mostly couples. Like what's is it people coming by themselves. Is it together or you said polyamorous.

Unknown 00:25:56:10 00:26:21:22,What what do you see most? I'm licensed in New York and Florida. Okay. Right now my trend is a lot of individuals are coming from New York, and a lot of couples are coming from Florida. Okay. Which I, I tend to associate that with. I specifically have a very sex positive practice. There's a lot of misconception about sex that porn addiction exists.

Unknown 00:26:22:00 00:26:51:14,Sex addiction exists when you are looking at something from a sex positive background and philosophy. You're not looking at it from the standpoint of what happened to you. To want that thing, you must be traumatized. You want that thing. So I think couples from Florida are coming to me because they haven't maybe had a lot of sex positive outlets to explore.

Unknown 00:26:51:18 00:27:13:07,This is what you want. Great. How do we enhance that? How do we get you to a point where you're fully in racing? This is who you are. This is what you want and it's all consensual, obviously. Do you think that just like a random question that popped in my head. Do you think that at schools we don't learn enough 100% in the United States?

Unknown 00:27:13:07 00:27:34:14,Yeah, yeah, because I remember back in high school, we just had like a 40 minute course on like how a baby is made. And at that point we everybody already knew. Yeah. But there's you know, I feel like it could be more in depth. Oh, no, it was a surface of things. It's just it wasn't in depth. No, no.

Unknown 00:27:34:16 00:28:00:18,Do you ever go to schools and, like, give courses or not yet. I would be open to all. But there's actually a dedicated person that does that. They're a sexual sexual health educator okay, okay. Sex therapist can definitely do that as well. Yeah. Sexual health education in the United States is lackluster at best. That was also my personal experience is you separate the boys.

Unknown 00:28:00:18 00:28:28:17,You separate the girls. Yeah. They play some really terrifying videos. Yeah, and they scare the shit out of. Yeah. Yeah, you could say they scare shit out of you. Shit out of you. And it's I being from Texas. It was. Abortion is not a thing. Abstinence only. Very, very fear based. That's very Texas, right? I realize that in Texas is like no sex before marriage.

Unknown 00:28:28:19 00:28:52:18,And I feel like people get married very young in Texas, I feel. Is that because they just want to have sex or they just for some people, I think that's that's more rooted in conservative values of I can speak personally to this. When I was 18, I remember having what was called a promise ring. I don't know if you're familiar with that.

Unknown 00:28:52:21 00:29:20:13,Yeah. So I promise to one day maybe think about getting engaged. Yeah. And so when you are 18 and you're taught you need to date, you need to get married, maybe it's a little bit about having sex, but maybe it's also more family values that they're just trying to create. Not none of it is wrong. Yeah. I mean it depends on everybody's mindset as well, right?

Unknown 00:29:20:14 00:29:50:01,Like I didn't get like I had sex before I got married. What? Yeah. News. New. Me too. But I guess it all depends on, like you said, everybody's values at the end of the day, right? If what somebody considers okay and what somebody doesn't. But I guess it's your job to, like, show them a different way of thinking as well, not necessarily show them my way of thinking, but but broadening.

Unknown 00:29:50:03 00:30:14:18,Have you thought about it from this perspective? What feels aligned for you? My personal values don't matter in this, but somebody values and what they what they feel like fits what they feel like is aligned. And if it's, hey, I'm a religious person and I'm a conservative person, and I also like really dirty sex, can those things be true at the same time?

Unknown 00:30:14:19 00:30:33:04,Yeah. And if it feels like they can't be true. Why not? That's what we explore. That's really interesting. I love it. I feel like you should do a class. I love that. Yeah, that would be great. Okay, I have a few questions that men want answered, and then a few questions that women want answered. If ever you feel like something comes up.

Unknown 00:30:33:04 00:30:48:10,I was just talking to Mike so that we can. Okay. All right. If ever you what, if ever, you have something to add on. Of course you have it. Like, really? No, no, I'm like all ears right now. He's going to be all ears on this one. So did you even get up to take pictures? Yeah I did.

Unknown 00:30:48:11 00:31:25:02,Okay, okay. So why do men, what do men misunderstand about women? That's a broad question. When it comes to sex, women want sex just as much as men. I think the misconception is that particularly if their partner, their female partner, appears to not want sex, that they're not into it. But it's really, hey, I might need help moving into my erotic mind and let's co-create that experience together.

Unknown 00:31:25:03 00:31:53:20,Yeah, that's what women are really thinking. Yeah, but they might not know how to articulate that to men or to their male partners. Yeah, it definitely communication is a big one in this topic. Yeah, right. We've gotten better with communicating. Yeah. So we're we're okay. What makes a woman feel emotionally connected enough to want intimacy? It depends on the woman.

Unknown 00:31:53:21 00:32:02:17,Yeah. This is that's that's very personal. Yeah.

Unknown 00:32:02:19 00:32:08:10,What makes a woman feel emotionally connected? Enough?

Unknown 00:32:08:12 00:32:39:22,It depends. Being seen. Truly, truly being seen. Which means something different for every person. Yeah. Being safe to feel emotionally vulnerable. Yeah, I would say those are probably very, very common. I agree. But what is emotional availability. Emotional safety for those it's different for everybody. It is different for everybody. Can too much porn affect someone's relationship? Yes. How much is too much?

Unknown 00:32:40:00 00:32:43:16,Oh.

Unknown 00:32:43:18 00:32:46:20,I want answers.

Unknown 00:32:46:22 00:33:25:12,So, number one, there's no such thing as porn addiction. Okay, my, tell me more about that professional opinion. Okay. Why is that? Because people say that they have porn addictions. Why do you say they. It's not a thing coming from a licensed mental health counselor and a certified sex therapist. More often than not, the behavior of watching porn that people are labeling an addiction is probably manifesting as something that is more related to untreated ADHD.

Unknown 00:33:25:14 00:33:56:22,Untreated OCD, untreated anxiety. Really? Yes. Interesting. There's actually no such thing as porn addiction or sex addiction in our diagnostic criteria. Really? So? So how does that work if you have ADHD? You're more you have more tendencies to watch. You are engaging in novelty seeking behavior. You have more a higher likelihood that you're just bored. You're seeking stimulation.

Unknown 00:33:57:04 00:34:22:16,Actually, people with ADHD have a higher likelihood of engaging in kink and BDSM for those reasons to OCD. It's more of a compulsion, an obsession. Yeah, it's not actually an addiction. That's really cool. Anxiety also sort of. I'm uncomfortable. I want to feel good. Anxious. Yes. And you want to. So it's kind of like an escape. Yes. Interesting.

Unknown 00:34:22:16 00:34:30:22,I really like that one. I'm going to teach some people some things today. What's the biggest insecurity that you see in men?

Unknown 00:34:31:03 00:35:02:23,I would say that they want to explore a fantasy that includes their partner, not excludes their partner, but they have no idea how to bring that to the table. So what that looks like is I feel insecure about this thing, and the loving thing to do is to not tell my partner, because if I tell my partner, I'm going to upset them, and if I upset them, that's a unkind, unloving thing to do.

Unknown 00:35:02:23 00:35:30:21,So it starts off, it's a really good intention. Yeah. And protecting my partner, I'm not going to say the thing that I'm really craving. Yeah. Say the thing that I really want to do with my partner. So it becomes this insecurity within the relationship, and then it becomes more of this emotional disconnection. And then the person that started off protecting their partner is now resenting their partner for not saying the thing.

Unknown 00:35:30:21 00:35:52:22,And now they are experiencing internalized shame for even desiring the thing. Interesting. So I saw one of your videos where you were saying, like, kind of the situation, you need to talk to your partner like you want to say something, but you got to say something before you say something, right? So you got to be like, look, I want to talk to you about something.

Unknown 00:35:52:22 00:36:20:04,I want to feel comfortable and this and that. And so. So then you need to if you want to have this conversation with your partner, guys talk about it before talking about it. Yeah, right. Yes. Technically that's called meta communication, which is what I think you're referring. Yes yes, yes. Yeah. So I encourage people to make a routine out of it so it doesn't feel so scary and so intense.

Unknown 00:36:20:08 00:36:42:23,I've had people that I've worked with where they say, we're going to do a relationship check in once a month. We're going to go to this specific favorite pizza place on during that day during that conversation. So it's not not in your personal home where you actually are having sex, having fun, anything like that neutral location. You're pairing it with something that you like.

Unknown 00:36:42:23 00:37:05:12,Maybe it's pizza, maybe it's your favorite coffee shop. Whatever. It doesn't matter. Pick a place that's also relatively private, where you have some privacy to be open and honest, and really talk about what you want and start really cool. To start with a smaller things of, hey, how did I show up for you this week? This month? What could have I done?

Unknown 00:37:05:13 00:37:26:07,What could I have done better this week? Start with a small things. Get into more of a routine of having that type of conversation. Then you can start to bring in, hey, I got this little kink that I want to explore or this. I have this interest and I want you to be a part of it, and I want to connect with you in this way.

Unknown 00:37:26:11 00:37:50:00,How do you feel about that? That's very good. Is it true that all men want a threesome? No, no, it's a high fantasy, of course, for a lot of men and a lot of women, too. Yeah, it's not true for everybody. Okay. I feel like that's one thing that when guys talk about sex, like I want to threesome, I want to threesome.

Unknown 00:37:50:02 00:38:13:09,It's like. It's like something they need to achieve. Yeah. You know, to be to feel, I don't know, it's like a checklist. Yeah. And all of those can be really fun. I also see a lot of people that have gone down those routes and they forgot to actually talk about what are our boundaries. Yeah, right. Yeah. I was going to say you need to really have a conversation.

Unknown 00:38:13:09 00:38:35:13,It's not just, okay, let's have a threesome. And then during you're like, well, no, I didn't want you to do that. Yeah, it's a difficult balance because there is something to be said about the sexiness of, in the moment, spontaneity. We found this really fun situation that we want to explore right now, and we didn't have time to talk about it.

Unknown 00:38:35:17 00:39:08:10,That can be really fun and exciting. You're also leaving yourself at a higher risk of shit going left. If you talk about it and plan it out, you have a higher likelihood of cultivating the experience you want. But it might not always feel super spontaneous and super sexy. So that delicate balance of finding exactly what feels right. Did you ever have any patience that, like, tried it out and then it just their relationship was done after that?

Unknown 00:39:08:11 00:39:39:17,For some people, also couples that deal with infidelity. What I work with is what we call post-traumatic growth. Have you heard of that? No, I have not. A lot of people think something like infidelity in a relationship is doomed. Your relationship is over when it actually allows you to basically look under the rug. All of the stuff that was swiped up underneath the rug in therapy, what we'll do is basically do this.

Unknown 00:39:39:18 00:40:09:08,Yeah, we're putting everything out on the table. Clean the rug, clean. We're cleaning the rug, sifting through it. Even if there is one person cheating in a relationship, two people or three people, or how many people are in the relationship contributed to that dynamic. So post-traumatic growth is an opportunity to look at this stuff that wasn't going right and building back a stronger version of the relationship you want going forward.

Unknown 00:40:09:09 00:40:30:11,Version 1.0 of the relationship that is done. Yeah, that is true. But you have an opportunity to build version 2.0 that might be better and stronger as a result of cheating. Yeah, yeah. Do you see a lot of people get back together after cheating? Yes. Yeah, I'm sure there are funds for sure, but I'm asking her because she's a bro.

Unknown 00:40:30:12 00:40:53:03,Yeah, it's not true for everybody. Of course it depends on if. If that level of betrayal was so painful and I cannot get over that, then respect that you got to move forward. Is there such a thing as a serial cheater? Like, is there some people that you know they love their wife, but they just they have this urge.

Unknown 00:40:53:03 00:41:23:19,They can't control it, that they just cheat. It's not even like an emotional experience. It's just I just want to do it. That also depends, because what I hear as a mental health clinician is a curiosity about novelty seeking, impulse control, maybe boredom. Maybe they don't feel safe in their relationship. You don't feel desired. Talk about what's going on is incredibly nuanced.

Unknown 00:41:23:19 00:41:49:20,So is there such a thing as a serial cheater? Maybe. But in what context? But when before you see clients, do you guys talk about what their boundaries are like, what their relationship looks like? Because let's say, let's say him and I, right? Like, we're in a monogamous relationship. If he goes and and and cheats on me like he cheated on me, he broke that trust for me.

Unknown 00:41:50:01 00:42:14:10,But then are you going to tell me? Yeah. Well, maybe it's because he was bored or he, like, do you guys definitely know? So part of the initial assessment intake process is learning your history, your history of who you are as an individual, who you are as partners together, what the story of your relationship is, how you fell in love, how you came to be.

Unknown 00:42:14:11 00:42:34:14,It's really important for me to know that and understand that. And from your lens, you are the expert in your own lives. Yeah. Not me. Yeah, yeah. It's not up to me to dictate what that looks like. Okay, that's what I was just wondering, like, because you're telling me. Oh, but maybe this, he's like this, or he has he has curiosity.

Unknown 00:42:34:14 00:42:59:13,But I'm assuming that during the first assessment, you guys talk about what, like you said, what the relationship is like and what each person expects from the other one. Right? Yeah. What also might not be so obvious to is that in the same example, that could possibly really be related to something that has nothing to do with the relationship at all?

Unknown 00:42:59:14 00:43:24:22,That is a very individualized personal experience, and we would get curious about what that is, what's going on beneath the surface. Yeah. Love it. All right. Now we've got quiz questions. Questions. Women want answers. So the ladies listen up because I feel like this part is going to be very we're going to have men and women listening to of course.

Unknown 00:43:24:23 00:43:32:18,Yeah. So why do some men emotionally shut down?

Unknown 00:43:32:20 00:43:39:04,I see this a lot.

Unknown 00:43:39:06 00:43:54:13,Many men have not had the opportunity to experience their emotions in a way that is.

Unknown 00:43:54:15 00:44:21:08,Safe, accepted and welcomed. Yeah. So when a man might be emotionally shutting down, he might actually want to access that emotion. But accessing that emotion scares the shit out of him. Because now what do I do with that? I don't know how to deal with that emotion. So it's easier to default into what I'm told to be as a man.

Unknown 00:44:21:09 00:44:46:23,Yeah. Because then if they go and express their feelings and they might seem weak, right? That can be the case for a lot of people. I think earlier we were talking about fight flight, freeze responses that can also be going on to where somebody is just so dysregulated they have no idea what to do. So their default is emotionally shutting down.

Unknown 00:44:47:00 00:45:10:15,And that has nothing to do with maybe their partner. Maybe it has a lot to do just with stacked upon stacked upon stacked of chronic stress. Yeah, stress is a fucking killer. Oh, yeah. Yes. Like, it just. It's so many problems. Like when it comes to work, stress, your life, stress. And if you're health, it affects everything. Yes.

Unknown 00:45:10:16 00:45:16:16,Do we know how to be live stress free? Do you have any tips on that?

Unknown 00:45:16:18 00:45:47:03,How to live a stress free life? Not exactly. Because those stressors will exist no matter what kind of situation you have going on in your life. Trying to consciously engage in your version of taking care of you. That doesn't look like meditating for everybody. That doesn't look like sitting still for everybody. For me, dancing can be an outlet.

Unknown 00:45:47:05 00:46:12:12,So living a stress free life is more often not having more harmony with things. Work life balance is unrealistic for a lot of people. So what is your version of harmony in all of that? It might not look like 40% here, 60% here, but and I feel able to check in with yourself and knowing I'm feeling off and what do I want to do about that?

Unknown 00:46:12:13 00:46:35:06,But I feel like sometimes we reach a level of like over stress, over anxiety that like no matter what you do to take time for yourself, because for me, relaxing and like de-stressing is going to the beach. Like I can sit there from 6 a.m. to 10 p.m. and not like I'll just get up to pee and get food.

Unknown 00:46:35:11 00:46:58:07,Like I can literally stay there. But then it's like, because we've accumulated so much stress that one day is not going to do it. Of course not. Now you know what I mean. And we need to prioritize ourselves. But then again, we're like limited with time because a day goes by like that. I don't know if that's for everybody, but sometimes I, I wake up.

Unknown 00:46:58:08 00:47:17:23,Okay. Get ready. This and I don't take long to get ready, but and I'm like, how the hell is it too o'clock. What did I get done? You know what I mean? What are you going to say? I think it's just I think stress is like a compounding thing where it's like gaining weight. Yeah. You know, it doesn't take a day to remove that.

Unknown 00:47:17:23 00:47:38:13,That extra weight. It takes a long time. And like to, to to relieve yourself of that stress takes time every day. Work a little bit on it, chisel out some stuff, and then eventually after a week or two, that's what I went through. And that's what I realized about myself. Like not too long ago because. So we moved from Canada to the States with two of our businesses.

Unknown 00:47:38:15 00:47:53:05,We now have the podcast. There's a lot there's a kids. That's a new life. I was so stressed I would wake up with panic attacks because it was so heavy. You know, if like, if this doesn't work out, it's on me. I wanted to come to Florida. So it's like I'm affecting her life and my two daughters life.

Unknown 00:47:53:07 00:48:11:02,So now what I realize is, oh, sometimes I'm like, I don't feel stressed. I'm good. I feel me, you know? But it's because I've worked on it for many days. Like, okay, today I'm only worked eight hours a day because I could do 24 hours like I can. I'm a workhorse, so I have to learn to just stop myself.

Unknown 00:48:11:02 00:48:27:10,So I in the long run, I feel good. So I feel like the beach thing should be a thing where, yeah, you go be not just one. Oh, I need it now. Like I'm so stressed I'm going to go. No, it's like it has to be little things here and there. Like taking your shower, taking your time. I have a hard time.

Unknown 00:48:27:11 00:48:48:09,Like for sure I have ADHD or OCD. It's just I'm not going to go get diagnosed or anything, but I just feel like my brain does not shut up ever. You know? So I will go to the beach and then I'm going to be like, okay, let me check the parking meter, okay. Am I? Where am I? Or you know what?

Unknown 00:48:48:09 00:49:08:18,If I drive home and there's traffic? What if this what if that? So I'm assuming that's ADHD, right? Some form of it. Not necessarily. Could be stress it possibly. Okay, so I'm just a really stressed person. Unfortunately I think it's a learned pattern. Like check your phone every second. Like it's just something that you you have to realize.

Unknown 00:49:08:18 00:49:37:09,And you know, one thing that I have found very helpful for other people that are dealing with this. My mind is always racing to the to do list. I'm always thinking about that. Is picking something that's already in your routine that takes you less than five minutes every single day. So my example I make matcha every morning. It definitely is less than five minutes.

Unknown 00:49:37:11 00:50:02:17,Make that a mindfulness practice where you are setting your intention. A mindfulness practice has nothing to do with I'm clearing my mind. That's what people think mindfulness is. It's not about that. It's actually about tuning into your five senses. So if you're pouring matcha, the temperature, the smell, the taste, your mind is going to be wondering to everything that you might need to do.

Unknown 00:50:02:17 00:50:24:09,That's fine. That's okay if it wanders. But the moment that you catch it wondering, bring it back. If you can start to have a practice, that's something. Your version of that. Yeah, that might start to allow you to have more access to a calmer mind. It might not be ADHD in the slightest, it might just be you're carrying so much.

Unknown 00:50:24:10 00:50:46:16,Yeah, I think that's what it is. What it is, babe. Yeah. I gotta I'm gonna after after today, I'm going to really look into what I can do. I think I need to wake up, like, three hours before everyone to get some peace and quiet. Maybe, boy. Alrighty, back to the woman. Questions. Why do some men stop initiating intimacy?

Unknown 00:50:46:17 00:50:53:05,Well it depends. We're going to call this. It depends.

Unknown 00:50:53:07 00:51:20:02,Some men might stop initiating intimacy because they themselves are dealing with chronic stress, and they themselves are dealing with low desire. Some men might stop initiating sex because they are under the impression that their partner isn't into it. Now, listen, I'm not putting it on to the partner. Yeah, lining the partner in that. But you're you're reading each other's energy.

Unknown 00:51:20:04 00:51:41:07,And if one person is giving off an energy that I'm not available. I'm putting a wall up, then that might be the male partner's version of I'm trying to respect the space, but we're they never had a conversation of I'm just not feeling it this week. I'm super stressed this week. I just don't need a pause this week.

Unknown 00:51:41:07 00:51:57:00,Whatever it is, the key to that question is getting curious about what's going on for your partner. So why not ask your partner? Why are you not initiating? Yeah. What happened? How can I help?

Unknown 00:51:57:02 00:52:12:05,to me. My answer obviously I'm not a professional, but it would be because he has stopped initiating sometimes because he said he's scared of getting rejected. Oh, yes. I'm not even sure he's not scared. No, sorry. Scared. I'm just. I'm. You don't want to get rejected?

Unknown 00:52:12:06 00:52:35:08,No, it's not that. It's just if you initiate ten times and on the ten times, you get it once at a point, it's like, you know, it's like. I feel like it's. How can I put it? It never feels good to know. I want to feel wanted to. You know what I mean? Like, it's not just, yeah, you're pretty and all that, but what about me?

Unknown 00:52:35:09 00:53:02:06,Like, I want to feel like you desire me. Yeah. And if I always have to force it for you to desire me, then it's like, you know, what would you say? Like, let's say in our scenario here. Okay? Let's say every day he initiates, but I don't I don't want to do it necessarily every day. Right. Let's say one let's say 3 or 4 times a week.

Unknown 00:53:02:08 00:53:53:20,But then I feel bad on when the fifth, sixth time I'm like, no, how do we fix this issue? Your partner said earlier in our conversation that he connects on a deeper level, intimate level. So he might be you might be initiating to connect with her, not necessarily for sex, but to feel a connection with you. So taking the focus off of sexual intimacy and moving it into connecting on an emotional level, connecting when the children aren't around, connecting when you don't have other obligations around whatever it looks like he might be trying to initiate that type of connection with you, I get that.

Unknown 00:53:53:21 00:54:18:10,Yeah, but why? How can I say this? What if. No, I think what you're trying to say is, how do you deal with a partner who has a higher sex drive? Yeah, because. Okay, I get it. He wants the connection. But, like, what if I also need my space? And that's true. That says very that we find a common ground.

Unknown 00:54:18:12 00:54:50:18,Is it like, okay, well let's do it Monday, Tuesday, Friday. Like how, you know, I feel like one person is going to have to maybe fall back a little bit and what they want or vice versa. It is a bit of a dance and a bit of a negotiation. Okay. Think of it less as sacrificing when we're when we're dealing with something like a sacrifice, we're coming to the table.

Unknown 00:54:50:19 00:55:24:12,Both of us are walking away having 0% of what we want. But if we're both coming to the table and we're walking away from roughly 80% of what we both want, that's a win. And that's what we would call a compromise. So when you have a higher desire partner and a lower desire partner, it's a conversation. Yeah, a negotiation of less about quantity, more about quality and figuring out all of the things in between.

Unknown 00:55:24:14 00:55:54:17,So actually, I teach my couples that scheduling sex can feel very anti erotic. Yes, but planning an intimate moment is actually building into four play. Okay. So remember earlier in our conversation we were talking about it's your job to turn yourself on. You might not be open to sex or wanting sex or desiring sex because you haven't had an opportunity to take care of you first.

Unknown 00:55:54:23 00:56:22:19,That's going to be very, very important. And if you're not doing that part of it for you, that let's address that first. Yeah. And he can be your partner in allowing you to take care of yourself first. I think I think she she put she how do you say that. You hit the nail on the head because I so I feel like you match my sex drive when you're not stressed.

Unknown 00:56:23:00 00:56:46:03,Yeah. I'm. I'm a high. Sorry. We're making it sound like I have no sex drive. No, no, she does. But yeah, it's different. We're into for the viewers. Like we're in details now. This is, like, very personal and we don't mind sharing it. But I feel like me as a person, my sex drive is not affected by how stressful I am or whatever.

Unknown 00:56:46:04 00:57:16:12,Like, I can work all day, freak out and I'll have like energy for sex at night or whatever to connect. And because I want to feel, you know, something real and good. Now, I like if I compare that to you. You're the opposite. Like your sex drive is affected by your stress level. Yes. So I feel like when you say it's your job to turn yourself on in a sense where you need to take care of yourself on a daily, you need to take the time to to de-stress and to decompress.

Unknown 00:57:16:17 00:57:37:21,And just by allowing that to yourself, then you'll find your your sex drive is just going to come back, you know, and I think you'll have more desire to do to do it and have a connection. But I also just feel like life, like life is like life is like babe. Yeah. Our little one, she goes. Life is life.

Unknown 00:57:37:22 00:57:57:17,So it's funny that you'll survive. Life is life. Yeah. So, you know, at the end of the day, sometimes just I. And that's the thing. Sometimes I'm like, okay, we haven't done it in a day. I know tonight he's going to want it, but I literally just want to go to bed. Yeah. Like, don't touch me. I love you, but just let me sleep, you know?

Unknown 00:57:57:19 00:58:23:09,And can I, can I mention your thing? What thing? When you sleep. Oh, yeah. Maybe. Maybe you'll have something. You can help us with this. He has, So he he sleep walks and sleep talks, but he also sleep. Yeah. What is that? Do you know anything about that? He won't know he's doing. That's all. My friends all want to sleep over with me?

Unknown 00:58:23:09 00:58:42:16,Yeah. So he would the first time it happened. You know, I'm like, okay. Like, I was asleep and we went for it. And then after I'm like, you know, we did that last night. He goes, yeah, I realized when I woke up and I'm like, okay. And then it's kept happening. But then I'm like, oh, this guy's asleep.

Unknown 00:58:42:16 00:59:04:08,I'm like, go to bed. You know, like, go to sleep. Like, leave me alone. Yes. What is that? Oh my goodness. I am blanking on the name. There is a term for this. This is a thing, okay, I am not. I'm special. I have not treated or worked with that. So I don't feel like I have enough knowledge to speak on it.

Unknown 00:59:04:09 00:59:26:19,But it is a thing. It's not necessarily a wrong thing. Yeah. No. Some days I like it. I'm like, okay, like it. But sometimes me, I'm like, I wake up and I'm doing it. And it's like the tiredness of like waking up. Like I'm like, oh, what am I doing? But then, you know, I go with it. Yeah, you definitely go with it.

Unknown 00:59:26:20 00:59:47:18,Oh, boy. Okay. Some tough some tough topics. So that one we kind of already went into it. These two questions. Should you tell your partner about every fantasy you have in your opinion. Oh that's good. It depends.

Unknown 00:59:47:20 01:00:20:20,It's very important for people to have their own private world that their partner isn't privy to. I agree. Yeah. And that's very acceptable. So every fantasy isn't necessarily intended to play out in real life. Sometimes for some people, that's just living in fantasy land. An example of this is I see a lot of straight women who only watch lesbian porn.

Unknown 01:00:20:21 01:00:42:12,I see that a lot. Yeah, yeah. Super common. Yeah, that does not mean anything that they want to engage in anything with a woman, that they have any desire to act that out in real life, that they're craving that. Yeah, that might be that person's version of engaging in their erotic mind. And they want that to live in fantasyland forever.

Unknown 01:00:42:13 01:01:08:14,Yeah, and that's totally fine. Do you want to share that with your partner? Perhaps. Is it going to help enhance your sex life with your partner? Maybe. Maybe bring them into it. You can bring them into that fantasy. Let's say somebody who, like, they've agreed they're in a monogamous relationship, but then the man or the woman has this like, crazy fantasy that the other person would never agree to.

Unknown 01:01:08:15 01:01:34:11,What do you think in that case? Should they tell them or. It depends on their intent in sharing. Okay, a adjacent version of this is I cheated on my partner. Do I tell my partner? Yeah. If your intention is to alleviate your own guilt, that's a very selfish act. And then. No, I like that. Don't. Yeah. No you don't.

Unknown 01:01:34:14 01:01:54:05,No, no, I like the way she put it. Sorry. Not not doing that. No. He's like, I'm going to cheat and not tell you if if it's. I'm so uncomfortable with my own guilt. I don't want to feel this. So that's selfish. Dump it on to you by sharing that thing then. No, that is not meant for connection.

Unknown 01:01:54:06 01:02:32:20,That's meant for hurt and disconnection. Same thing can be true for fantasy. If your intention is to truly connect with your partner, you know that they will never, ever, ever share the same type of fantasy. I would suggest coming into that conversation with I want this thing. I know you don't want this thing. Is there a world in which we could create something similar together that would make you feel safe and comfortable, and it would be enjoyable for you?

Unknown 01:02:32:22 01:02:58:21,So it depends. A lot of things have a game for you afterward. You can't say it depends. Okay. We'll see. We have the same one with Alex. Isn't that the beautiful thing? Sex is so nuanced. It's so complicated. It's not a black and white experience. Yeah, so it depends. It depends. It's so interesting. Interesting. How do you know when a relationship is worth saving?

Unknown 01:02:58:22 01:03:22:15,When you want to save it? There's no it depends there. When you when you want to save it, it's worth saving. Do you ever get, like, couples who one is like, okay, they cheated, I'm done. And the other ones like, no, let's try to make it work. Do you ever have that? Yes. And what happens is, do they ever reconcile or like one person is.

Unknown 01:03:22:16 01:03:48:22,Is it your job to try to change the other person's mentality to be like, well, you got to see it this way. And, you know, another part of the misconception of couples therapy, sex therapy in general, is that my role as a therapist is to keep the couple together. That's not always true. I can't tell the couple of the partnership what is right for them.

Unknown 01:03:49:00 01:04:16:04,My job is to help facilitate a space where they can discover that themselves. So some of our work might actually look like uncoupling, helping a couple to break up, helping a couple to divorce. And so it depends. Depends. I have to say for her. That's so funny. Okay, so you mentioned kinks. You specialize in kings. I do. Okay.

Unknown 01:04:16:05 01:04:42:21,So tell us some kinks because I know a few, but I don't know what's out there. You know, I really like elbows. I know there's there's, like, the foot fetish one. There's definitely. That is so power exchange. So think of dominant submissive. For some people those words don't really fit. Some people like leadership and surrender. That feels a little bit more aligned with them.

Unknown 01:04:42:23 01:05:09:02,A lot of people that don't want to identify as kinky actually have a desire to engage in power exchange dynamics. What does that mean? So dominant submissive person is a leader. One person is render. And that can be a role play scenario that can be something totally non-sexual. It's more mental stimulation for a lot of people as well.

Unknown 01:05:09:04 01:05:38:08,Other kinks you can make kink out of anything, honestly. Yeah you can. I know in my field there's a joke of if if there's a porn about it, there's a king, right? Right. And there's point about everything. Yeah. So, yeah. So other kinks might be adult baby, diaper level lover age play, race play. Cock holding.

Unknown 01:05:38:10 01:06:02:05,There's a there's a lot that's wild. I mean, I, I personally there's I don't want to say that because I don't want to sound some way, but you're very sex positive. Is there any time you hear a kink and you're like, whoa, like, I didn't expect that. I didn't know that was a kink, or you're just, like, taking it back for a second.

Unknown 01:06:02:06 01:06:33:15,Thankfully, I've had a lot of training where even to become a sex therapist, we had to do something where think of it almost like an exposure therapy. Okay, you're showing up in this training as a human, not as a therapist, intentionally. And my trainers intentionally expose us to different scenarios where we are watching different types of porn to try to identify our own limits, our own boundaries of at one point.

Unknown 01:06:33:16 01:07:02:22,Do you know that as a human, you're uncomfortable? And is that your limit? Personally, could that also be your limit professionally? So I had a lot of intentional training behind that with kinks, to help identify that. Yeah. So that when I'm in front of my client, they feel safe. They feel secure. I've got their back. Yeah, they they can bring in whatever they want to talk about.

Unknown 01:07:02:23 01:07:24:07,And there's no judgment. It's a judgment free zone. Cool. Does it ever happen to people where they're like, no, this is too much for me. And then they like, stop? Or do they have like they stop becoming a sex therapist or they never get to become one or they're like, or they have limits when, maybe not all sex therapists are going to be king.

Unknown 01:07:24:07 01:07:52:06,Therapists, definitely. And that's also part of our training, is to identify for ourselves. There's other sex therapists that really focus on trauma sex therapy. So survivors of sexual assault, really amazing work, really deep work. That's super powerful for some people. That's some clinicians that can be too heavy. Yeah. So yeah, you got to figure out what you're comfortable with, right?

Unknown 01:07:52:07 01:08:13:10,That's really cool. Okay. Now this is where you can see it depends. So yes or no right. Is that it's not a yes or no. It's going to be myth or fact. Oh. So you have to respond with myth or rapid. It's not. And if you think of saying it depends like we're not going to go with how can I say this?

Unknown 01:08:13:11 01:08:17:01,Should we not do like her professional opinion,

Unknown 01:08:17:03 01:08:37:00,like just her answers as a person? I'll do my best. Okay. If you're comfortable with it. Yeah, yeah. Okay. So I have 122467 okay. So myth or fact men one I know you're going to say it depends. I can already feel it. Men want more sex than women.

Unknown 01:08:37:02 01:09:17:12,It's really rapid fire on average. On average. From what you've seen in your practice, men might want to connect in a physical way more often than women. So we'll go with like fact ish ish factors depending towards opposites attract. That can be fact. That doesn't necessarily equate to a long standing, beautiful, sustainable relationship. They might initially attract each other, but the same qualities that initially attracted each other will maybe lead to a lot of conflict.

Unknown 01:09:17:14 01:09:52:16,Once the honeymoon phase ends, passion disappears. That can definitely be fact. I'm actually that can be new relationship energy. It's also called Limerick's. On average, that might last most people for seven months, up to two years. It depends on the couple. Passion will naturally fade out at that time because during that time what's actually driving everything is mostly chemicals.

Unknown 01:09:52:16 01:10:20:08,So the chemicals have now settled down in our brain and now it calls us, invites us to actually make a more of a conscious effort. That doesn't mean that passion will die. No, it means that you got to keep trying, working on that passion, this one, this one, myth or fact. There's no you can't. You should never go to bed angry.

Unknown 01:10:20:09 01:10:57:09,That is so that's a myth. If you're angry in the Gottman John Gottman very famous relationship and couples researcher actually has said this, that if you're mad, just go to bed. Yeah. If you're mad, that means you're dysregulated. And for some people, if you're an external processor where I need, I cannot calm myself down because I'm so upset and it's your responsibility to calm me down.

Unknown 01:10:57:09 01:11:23:08,So I have to have this conversation right now. Even if you forced your partner to have that conversation, it might not be effective. You might not actually get what you want. Other people might be an internal processor, so they need time to think about the thing. And that might mean we take a break. We sleep overnight. It depends.

Unknown 01:11:23:08 01:11:51:05,It depends if somebody is that internal processor, what's really important for them is they have an agreement of okay or excuse me, if somebody is an external processor, it's really important for their partner to have an agreement of, we're not going to talk about this tonight as tabled in the morning after breakfast, give them a solid day, etc., of when you will revisit the conversation.

Unknown 01:11:51:07 01:12:11:10,If you're having conversations in general that are dysregulated, both of you are probably not going to get what you want out of it. So go to bed angry if that's the case. Yeah, yeah, I think I like going to bed angry sometimes rather than like talking about it and like just whatever's being said, like I'm not even processing it.

Unknown 01:12:11:10 01:12:30:02,I'm just getting more angry. Yeah. When I get angry, I need to leave. Like I need to leave the house. If we're home and there's an argument once I see it's going nowhere, I'm going to get in my car and I got to go for a drive. And he doesn't like that. But that's just how I regulate. So it's totally normal.

Unknown 01:12:30:08 01:12:51:04,Okay, yeah, that's fine. But you have to I think I think like so I'm the type of guy who there's an issue. I can talk about it. I can stay calm and try to compose myself or whatever. But I feel some people are more like, out. And don't you know, I'm good at being like a robot. Okay.

Unknown 01:12:51:10 01:13:04:08,No emotion. Let's just talk about something and try to figure out what the middle ground is. That's cool if you want to leave or whatever. I don't mind that I get it. You need space or not build the same. But for me, I think it's like, okay, when are we going to talk about it? I don't want this to lay out for three days.

Unknown 01:13:04:09 01:13:22:11,That's very true. Making the agreement with him. Yeah, yeah. Go on a dry I think we're going to talk about. That's good. Yeah. Then after my dry, maybe I'll revisit this. Or maybe if you're not available yet, that it's within three hours. We're going to talk about that. I shut down and don't talk for three days. That's the thing.

Unknown 01:13:22:12 01:13:47:18,And then it's like for me, for three days, I feel like like sex. No, it's just like, I get it. She needs more time. Whatever. Okay, cool. But it's like, okay, well, I'm like, he's ready to I'm still carrying that heaviness and I need to function normally. And I don't like that. For me, this torture definitely. And for you, when you're having to carry that heaviness, got to take care of yourself.

Unknown 01:13:47:19 01:14:07:11,She's taking care of herself. If she's doing a drive, that's your version. But I'm left in the dark, so that's my version. It's just like I can move on. Kind of like get on to my daily things and forget about it. Or you still want to talk about it, but I still want to, like, she's the most important person in my life, so I want to fix it, you know what I mean?

Unknown 01:14:07:11 01:14:31:23,So it's like, when are we going to fix this? So what's a reasonable amount of time if it's not three days? Because yeah, that's that's wrong I know I just feel like but the thing is, is that he likes to talk a lot. And I'm not saying it's bad external process. Yeah, but I, I can't I can't just sit there and listen because not that I can't sit there and listen is that I always have something back to say.

Unknown 01:14:32:00 01:14:50:14,And it might not always be a good thing. So are you listening to understand or listening to respond? I'm listening. Also defensive. I'm very defensive. I think it's because I've known her for a long time. I think it's just the way she grew up with her surroundings. It's. I always have to protect myself. Yeah. And I'm like, I have to tell her.

Unknown 01:14:50:14 01:15:08:18,Sometimes I'm like, babe, I'm your husband. Like, we've been together forever. I'm like, I'm here for you. And I want the reason why. Because I'm not somebody who talks a lot. But I find myself talking a lot with her when we have conflict. Because I'm trying to, like, figure out ways to, for her to kind of, like, listen and open up.

Unknown 01:15:08:18 01:15:36:01,But it doesn't happen. So that's when I know okay needs her time, you know, and then and then you come back and you talk more and then. Okay. Yeah. You know, a different version of this that some couples have found helpful to is wind or dealing with a topic that is historically emotionally taxing. And they historically know it's going to lead to some type of conflict.

Unknown 01:15:36:03 01:16:03:22,This is going to sound really bizarre. Okay. We're all here. It depends. Some some couples will put on do you know a birthday hat, those little cone things they'll put on a birthday hat, each of them. And they'll have that conversation with the birthday hat. Really? It breaks the tension. It's. It's actually that serious? Yeah. Yeah, it's it's you and I together in this.

Unknown 01:16:03:23 01:16:29:22,And this thing is the thing that we're upset at. It's not. I'm not upset at you. Maybe if you if something happened and you're involved in that, maybe you're at the end of the day, we're here to solve it together. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So doing something really wacky, wild, stupid. Even. Yeah. Just breaks that tension sometimes. I think we'll have to get some party hats, baby.

Unknown 01:16:30:00 01:16:58:19,Okay. That one, we kind of answered it. So then the last one. Watching porn together can strengthen a relationship. Yes. Absolutely. Baby, that's the first. Yes. We got. Good job Brianna, I love it. It can definitely strengthen a relationship. It opens up the doors for people to talk about their interests. Yes. Sometimes people will receive that as intimidating.

Unknown 01:16:58:20 01:17:24:17,Yeah, I don't look like the performers. I feel more insecure about my body now. I'm really obsessing over I don't. Our sex doesn't look like that type of sex, so it can, for some people, feel super intimidating. You can move that into this is an experience that we can do together to explore. Hey, do you like that thing?

Unknown 01:17:24:17 01:17:49:18,Do you want to try that position? Do you like that outfit? It can be very good, I think. I think for us, if you look back, our sex life before compared to after joining the adult industry, I think our sex life is way better now. But I also we've also been together for a long time, and we do communicate what we like when it comes to to what we want in bed.

Unknown 01:17:49:19 01:18:12:22,We're very good at that. And we've been together like 12 years now. So obviously in the beginning, yeah, we, we, we grew and we learned each other. But I'm going to say a funny story because I think it's it's funny. So I don't know what I like when like I just had our first and his friend came to visit him.

Unknown 01:18:12:22 01:18:28:07,and he. His friend was like, hey, man, I saw this girl a girl went to high school with and she's doing porn. And I'm like, that was that was my friend that he had dated for a hot minute or something.

Unknown 01:18:28:07 01:18:47:14,His his friend dated my friend. And then I'm like, he shows us a picture. And then, you know, the conversation keeps going. And then he, his friend asks him something about porn and like, doesn't watch porn. Oh, wait. Sorry, I think you got the story wrong. No one. It was way before we had kids. It was when we started dating.

Unknown 01:18:47:15 01:19:03:23,Was it when we started? Oh, yeah. No. Yeah. Maybe you were like, Yeah. It's when when Matt came with with Carly, like, at the very beginning. Oh, okay. So yeah, we didn't have kids. It was like super. We were like 22, 24. And I was his friends, like, oh, like, I saw this porn or I don't know what.

Unknown 01:19:03:23 01:19:23:06,And I'm like, he doesn't watch porn. And my friends are laughing and his friends start laughing. And I'm like, what? I'm like, you don't watch porn, do you? And he goes, yes, I do. And I'm like, why didn't you ever tell me? And he goes, you never asked me. Which is something that pisses me off when you say, like, I need to be very specific, you know?

Unknown 01:19:23:08 01:19:43:23,And then I was like, why is he watching porn? Like, we literally do it every single day, right? And that's how I found out he watched porn. Yeah, yeah, I mean, I used to, but now I know. Now I used to way more often before. But yeah, when we got in a relationship and then it's like sex is steady, then I don't really watch it.

Unknown 01:19:44:01 01:20:02:19,If you remember that younger version of yourself. Hey, laugh. She was heartbroken. I was she was crying. What about that was upsetting if you can remember. It's just that I didn't think he. He needed to watch it if we were doing it every day. Yeah, but but see if if we do it every day, I don't watch it.

Unknown 01:20:02:19 01:20:22:21,That's the thing. If, if there's a 4 or 5 days we don't do it. I get horny after two days, you know. No. Back then, I think your your sex drive was even higher. Yeah, but not that much because we would be intimate and you would be intimate with yourself. Yeah, right. And and that's a problem. No, but I just.

Unknown 01:20:22:21 01:20:43:02,This was exactly. No, no definitely not. But I just, I was just like, I guess we never spoke about it. Yeah. Right. And then I think from that moment that's when we started to be like, well, yeah, I mean, we just literally just started dating. I think it was like, oh, we had our house. No, we were at my parents house in the basement.

Unknown 01:20:43:02 01:21:00:11,We were at our house on our sofa. Why not? So you got the story wrong. We were downstairs with Matt and Carly and my parents because I was living on my parents. Yes, we're at our house. I'm a thousand. Have to talk to Matt. Anyways, let's not have.

Unknown 01:21:00:13 01:21:18:10,She's gonna leave her. She's like, oh my God, no, I've seen it all. I can imagine if somebody is if somebody listening feels disconnected from their partner, what's the very first step they should take?

Unknown 01:21:18:12 01:21:30:15,Tell their partner, yeah, I feel disconnected from you. What's going on? Yeah, it's it's all about communication.

Unknown 01:21:30:17 01:21:37:00,What's one thing couples should start doing tonight that would improve the relationship?

Unknown 01:21:37:02 01:22:04:13,Have a new experience together? That's non-sexual. Why do you say that? That's cool. It is. You get to learn new facets about each other. So if you. I'm going to throw this out here, if you haven't rocked, climbed, and for some reason you want to rock climbing, do that thing together. You get to see new parts of your partner and rediscover them, and it will increase your desire for them.

Unknown 01:22:04:15 01:22:21:12,That's interesting. I'm taking several notes from our conversation. I might have to watch this whole podcast. It's good so that we can. I'm all ears. Like, yeah, I can see that. Okay, I'm going to ask you one last question.

Unknown 01:22:21:14 01:22:49:14,If you could put one message on a billboard for the whole world to read. Oh, that's so much pressure. No. No pressure. What would you say? I know I can answer that depends. No, don't say that. One message. One message for the whole world to see. Like we're we're driving down as a sex therapist. As a sex therapist.

Unknown 01:22:49:16 01:23:10:19,Sex is the adult playground. Have fun. Oh, yeah, I like and I agree with you. I agree with her because you don't imagine and imagine. Have fun. And. Yeah, yeah. No, because I there's a thing that I truly believe in. It's like when you're a teenager. I remember my years I was discovering my body and my sexuality and all this.

Unknown 01:23:10:21 01:23:32:17,I feel like when you're teenager, you discover your sexuality, your own sexuality, and that's your job to do that so that when you're in a couple or relationship or whatever, then you can explore that sexuality with the other person. Like we have our own sexuality, and then we have our together sexuality that we discover together. And I think that there's a lot of couples who don't understand that.

Unknown 01:23:32:18 01:23:51:21,Yeah. And they're still individual, like sexually. I don't know how to say anything I told. But anyways, yeah, you get my point. So it's your job to figure it out. So that's why that billboard thing would be a good one. Yeah. Go go to that playground with your partner and have fun partners is not that serious. It's here to have fun together.

Unknown 01:23:51:22 01:24:15:08,And we're here to imagine. Yeah. And create. Create an experience together. It's high vibration. Love and sex, whatever that was. That was fun. I'm very happy that you came on the pod today. I think many people are going to learn a lot of things watching this episode, so I'm excited about that. Let our followers know where they can follow you.

Unknown 01:24:15:08 01:24:43:00,If they want to book a call or a zoom meeting with you. Where can they reach you? Well, thank you so much for having me and for listening. You can find me on Instagram at Makovsky. Spell it. Let's spell it. Because the way it sounds and the way it's spelled is different. R I a n n a m a k o w k I love it.

Unknown 01:24:43:01 01:25:00:04,We're gonna put the link in the description. We're gonna put the link in the description. Thank you guys for watching our episode today. I hope you loved it. I loved sitting down here with Brianna and having a conversation. We'll see you next week. Brianna. Thanks again for coming. Thank you. Thank you. Look at the center camera and