EP5 Part 1: Teddy Tarantino | From Addiction to Adult Content & Success

00:00 - 00:01 Unknown I speak in like the jails. That's where

00:01 - 00:03 Unknown I'm the funniest because like dude it is

00:03 - 00:05 Unknown so unfunny when you walk in there.

00:05 - 00:07 Unknown So it's like and there'd be a dude 40

00:07 - 00:09 Unknown years old with face tattoos and he would

00:09 - 00:12 Unknown come up to me and be like yo dude when

00:12 - 00:13 Unknown you came into Ki jail

00:13 - 00:14 Unknown no way.

00:14 - 00:16 Unknown You were the best speaker we had over

00:16 - 00:16 Unknown there.

00:16 - 00:16 Unknown Get out.

00:16 - 00:18 Unknown And my mom would be like Brian who the

00:18 - 00:21 Unknown [ __ ] is that? You know I have over 200

00:21 - 00:22 Unknown employees.

00:22 - 00:22 Unknown Wow.

00:22 - 00:26 Unknown You know I have multiple businesses. I'm

00:26 - 00:27 Unknown sleeping with like the most beautiful

00:27 - 00:30 Unknown women in the world. I walked away from a

00:30 - 00:32 Unknown multi-million dollar company to pursue

00:32 - 00:33 Unknown this

00:33 - 00:35 Unknown so I could like barely make my car

00:35 - 00:36 Unknown payment, you know.

00:36 - 00:40 Unknown So, for example, I don't take elevators.

00:40 - 00:41 Unknown What?

00:41 - 00:44 Unknown Real voices, old stories. This is the

00:44 - 00:56 Unknown Nexus Star Show.

00:56 - 01:00 Unknown This show is presented by King Rilla and

01:00 - 01:02 Unknown Jerkmate. Welcome to the Lexus Star Show

01:02 - 01:04 Unknown where we talk about everything and

01:04 - 01:07 Unknown anything and no topic is off limits.

01:07 - 01:09 Unknown Joining me today is a very special

01:09 - 01:12 Unknown guest. He is a recovering drug addict,

01:12 - 01:15 Unknown author, businessman, and adult content

01:15 - 01:19 Unknown creator. Please welcome Mr. Teddy

01:19 - 01:26 Unknown Tarantino. Oh,

01:26 - 01:30 Unknown thanks for being here today with us.

01:30 - 01:37 Unknown How are you?

01:37 - 01:38 Unknown I'm good.

01:38 - 01:30 Unknown Good.

01:30 - 01:32 Unknown So, there's a lot going on with you.

01:32 - 01:35 Unknown Yes.

01:35 - 01:35 Unknown Okay. The first time we met was very

01:35 - 01:38 Unknown brief. It was at XBiz.

01:38 - 01:40 Unknown Um, you had your little cat there.

01:40 - 01:42 Unknown Yes. Tekashi.

01:42 - 01:44 Unknown Yeah. Yeah. He uh was it a boy or a

01:44 - 01:46 Unknown girl?

01:46 - 01:46 Unknown He's a boy.

01:46 - 01:49 Unknown Okay. He uh everyone was was

01:49 - 01:52 Unknown uh interested in the cats. Anyways, we

01:52 - 01:54 Unknown said hi and then we've been talking a

01:54 - 01:57 Unknown little bit on Instagram. Uh you post

01:57 - 02:00 Unknown funny reels, we like we chat here and

02:00 - 02:02 Unknown there and now we got you on the show.

02:02 - 02:04 Unknown Yeah, I see you blowing up on the hub

02:04 - 02:06 Unknown slowly. Slowly but surely. I told you I

02:06 - 02:08 Unknown was coming for your spot and I did. I I

02:08 - 02:08 Unknown got it.

02:08 - 02:10 Unknown What's your rank right now?

02:10 - 02:13 Unknown So like 2 days ago I was at 125 and then

02:13 - 02:14 Unknown today

02:14 - 02:16 Unknown No. So, three days ago I was at 125 and

02:16 - 02:18 Unknown now I'm back to 129.

02:18 - 02:21 Unknown Yeah, I was like up at 120 something now

02:21 - 02:22 Unknown at 140.

02:22 - 02:24 Unknown Yeah, I did check. I'm not going to lie.

02:24 - 02:26 Unknown 129. There you go.

02:26 - 02:29 Unknown 129. It's going down. But as long as I'm

02:29 - 02:31 Unknown consistent, I post once a week, you

02:31 - 02:33 Unknown know. That's that's that's why because I

02:33 - 02:34 Unknown went from like

02:34 - 02:35 Unknown twice a week.

02:35 - 02:35 Unknown Hey,

02:35 - 02:36 Unknown I do twice a week.

02:36 - 02:36 Unknown You do twice a week?

02:36 - 02:38 Unknown Yeah, maybe I should do once a week.

02:38 - 02:40 Unknown I think once a week is enough. I'm

02:40 - 02:42 Unknown posting a lot and

02:42 - 02:44 Unknown No, I think once a week is like the

02:44 - 02:45 Unknown sweet spot because then they don't have

02:45 - 02:47 Unknown time to like

02:47 - 02:49 Unknown see your video. Like when are you

02:49 - 02:51 Unknown posting? Monday, Friday? I don't know.

02:51 - 02:53 Unknown I don't know. I just do twice a week.

02:53 - 02:54 Unknown You just do twice a week?

02:54 - 02:58 Unknown No, try maybe one. Maybe maybe one week.

02:58 - 03:01 Unknown So, uh I have your book over here, How

03:01 - 03:03 Unknown to Talk to Girls at Parties. Uh very

03:03 - 03:06 Unknown interesting. Very very interesting. I

03:06 - 03:09 Unknown haven't finished it yet, but I uh

03:09 - 03:11 Unknown we're getting there. You know, sometimes

03:11 - 03:12 Unknown I sit down and I read and I'm like,

03:12 - 03:14 Unknown Holy [ __ ] I read 50 pages. And then I

03:14 - 03:15 Unknown don't read for a week.

03:15 - 03:18 Unknown So, tell us a little bit um not about

03:18 - 03:20 Unknown the book the book per se,

03:20 - 03:21 Unknown but a little bit about your childhood

03:21 - 03:25 Unknown clearly you had an interesting

03:25 - 03:27 Unknown childhood that not many people had.

03:27 - 03:30 Unknown Maybe not childhood per se, but like you

03:30 - 03:32 Unknown got involved into with some things that

03:32 - 03:33 Unknown not everybody

03:33 - 03:34 Unknown has experienced. So,

03:34 - 03:36 Unknown well, I'm born and raised in South

03:36 - 03:40 Unknown Florida and um this area is kind of like

03:40 - 03:41 Unknown brings back memories. I only would come

03:41 - 03:43 Unknown here as a kid. So, I had like a couple

03:43 - 03:45 Unknown friends that lived here

03:45 - 03:47 Unknown and um

03:47 - 03:49 Unknown I guess like I used to live in this area

03:49 - 03:51 Unknown that was near the skate park. There was

03:51 - 03:53 Unknown the skate park called like Brian Piccolo

03:53 - 03:54 Unknown and I was like really good at skating

03:54 - 03:55 Unknown growing up. So, I used to like

03:55 - 03:57 Unknown skateboard and like rollerblade

03:57 - 04:00 Unknown and that is like the time of my life

04:00 - 04:02 Unknown where I real like I consider like the

04:02 - 04:04 Unknown happy times. Okay.

04:04 - 04:06 Unknown Then when I moved away, I moved in a a

04:06 - 04:07 Unknown different neighborhood where like

04:07 - 04:09 Unknown everyone played sports and dude, I

04:09 - 04:11 Unknown couldn't catch a football. I struck out

04:11 - 04:14 Unknown in T-ball. Uh I couldn't play

04:14 - 04:17 Unknown basketball. I was pick last. All the

04:17 - 04:20 Unknown kids were bigger than me. I was bullied.

04:20 - 04:24 Unknown And um man, fourth grade cigarettes,

04:24 - 04:26 Unknown seventh grade cocaine.

04:26 - 04:27 Unknown God damn.

04:27 - 04:30 Unknown Ninth grade crack and Oxycottton.

04:30 - 04:34 Unknown And um I just fell in love with using.

04:34 - 04:36 Unknown So using really became like my sports

04:36 - 04:38 Unknown like when when kids talk about like what

04:38 - 04:40 Unknown like you know playing sports as a kid or

04:40 - 04:41 Unknown like things they did as a kid.

04:41 - 04:44 Unknown I had like no interest, no hobbies

04:44 - 04:47 Unknown really. Once I found like uh you know

04:47 - 04:49 Unknown drugs that was basically my whole life

04:49 - 04:52 Unknown and everything. And um

04:52 - 04:55 Unknown but how like Okay. So I in fourth grade

04:55 - 04:56 Unknown you said cigarettes.

04:56 - 04:57 Unknown Yeah.

04:57 - 04:59 Unknown Right. How like Okay. cigarettes is not

04:59 - 05:01 Unknown that bad. I I used to smoke cigarettes.

05:01 - 05:04 Unknown I think I started when I was like

05:04 - 05:07 Unknown 14 years old. I smoked for like 8 years.

05:07 - 05:10 Unknown Um, but how did you get cocaine at at in

05:10 - 05:10 Unknown seventh grade?

05:10 - 05:12 Unknown People always ask me that, but uh you

05:12 - 05:14 Unknown know like I think the back of the book

05:14 - 05:17 Unknown says uh you know there's this guy

05:17 - 05:18 Unknown who when I was at a meeting once, he

05:18 - 05:21 Unknown says uh if you're a drug addict,

05:21 - 05:23 Unknown drugs will find your ass.

05:23 - 05:26 Unknown Okay. Yes. Yes. So, it's like um

05:26 - 05:30 Unknown it's kind of like when you have an

05:30 - 05:32 Unknown addiction personality or you have

05:32 - 05:34 Unknown addiction, you just gravitate towards

05:34 - 05:37 Unknown those things and like people you meet

05:37 - 05:40 Unknown like you're just in that world. And

05:40 - 05:41 Unknown it started cuz I was already selling

05:41 - 05:42 Unknown weed.

05:42 - 05:44 Unknown So, cigarettes turn into weed.

05:44 - 05:45 Unknown Mhm.

05:45 - 05:45 Unknown Once I

05:45 - 05:47 Unknown But you were not a fan of weed.

05:47 - 05:49 Unknown I was until I wasn't.

05:49 - 05:50 Unknown Okay. Until you found something better.

05:50 - 05:52 Unknown So, I was a fan of weed up until I got

05:52 - 05:55 Unknown arrested and started peeing a cup. I

05:55 - 05:56 Unknown wasn't a fan cuz it it stayed in your

05:56 - 05:58 Unknown system for 30 days. It's like the worst

05:58 - 06:00 Unknown drug to do. But I was obsessed with weed

06:00 - 06:02 Unknown from like the end of fourth grade till

06:02 - 06:03 Unknown seventh grade.

06:03 - 06:05 Unknown Fourth grade? How old were you in fourth

06:05 - 06:06 Unknown grade?

06:06 - 06:07 Unknown I don't know. Eight, nine.

06:07 - 06:09 Unknown Jeez.

06:09 - 06:10 Unknown Are you eight, nine? Yeah, maybe 10.

06:10 - 06:12 Unknown So, grade one. In grade 1, you're

06:12 - 06:17 Unknown turning seven. 8 n 10.

06:17 - 06:18 Unknown Yeah.

06:18 - 06:20 Unknown Okay. So, you know, I was smoking

06:20 - 06:22 Unknown cigarettes with my friend who was a

06:22 - 06:24 Unknown little bit older and then he had I I had

06:24 - 06:26 Unknown done mushrooms in like I think sixth

06:26 - 06:27 Unknown grade.

06:27 - 06:28 Unknown What?

06:28 - 06:29 Unknown Yeah. He had mushrooms one day with

06:29 - 06:31 Unknown Were you like in a nice neighborhood or

06:31 - 06:32 Unknown Yeah, I lived in a neighborhood just

06:32 - 06:33 Unknown like this.

06:33 - 06:33 Unknown Really?

06:33 - 06:34 Unknown I I lived in a neighborhood just like

06:34 - 06:35 Unknown this, but I lived in Davey. So, Davey

06:35 - 06:37 Unknown Davey's interesting because, you know,

06:37 - 06:39 Unknown you would have million-dollar homes and

06:39 - 06:40 Unknown then you would have a trailer park like

06:40 - 06:42 Unknown within walking distance. Okay. And then

06:42 - 06:44 Unknown sometimes the kids who lived in

06:44 - 06:45 Unknown million-dollar homes were worse than the

06:45 - 06:47 Unknown trailer park kids. So there wasn't

06:47 - 06:50 Unknown really like just because you lived out

06:50 - 06:52 Unknown west didn't mean that like life was

06:52 - 06:54 Unknown pretty. You know what I mean? Like you

06:54 - 06:56 Unknown had man you had kids in in the private

06:56 - 06:59 Unknown schools that were doing coke and then in

06:59 - 07:01 Unknown the public schools they were just doing

07:01 - 07:03 Unknown weed. You know like it was just a little

07:03 - 07:04 Unknown different. But um I don't know if it's

07:04 - 07:07 Unknown like that now, but I just remember like

07:07 - 07:09 Unknown being a kid and like the only thing that

07:09 - 07:12 Unknown really mattered in like seventh grade

07:12 - 07:13 Unknown was like how thugged out you could be.

07:13 - 07:14 Unknown [ __ ]

07:14 - 07:16 Unknown Yeah. So like in seventh grade, I always

07:16 - 07:17 Unknown had friends who were probably like 18

07:17 - 07:19 Unknown 19 by the at that point. So I grew up so

07:19 - 07:22 Unknown fast and so in seventh grade like when I

07:22 - 07:24 Unknown would see kids my age on bikes

07:24 - 07:26 Unknown I like oh you guys are losers. Like you

07:26 - 07:28 Unknown wouldn't catch me dead riding a bike.

07:28 - 07:30 Unknown I have friends who drive and pick me up

07:30 - 07:32 Unknown like and I was always lying about my

07:32 - 07:34 Unknown age. I had different friend groups

07:34 - 07:36 Unknown and I had friend groups that had had no

07:36 - 07:38 Unknown idea how old I was and I was driving.

07:38 - 07:40 Unknown Okay.

07:40 - 07:41 Unknown So in seventh grade I was stealing my

07:41 - 07:42 Unknown mom's car almost like three, four days

07:42 - 07:44 Unknown out the week and I knew how to drive. I

07:44 - 07:47 Unknown could drive. I would go to parties. I

07:47 - 07:48 Unknown would drive myself. So people would see

07:48 - 07:50 Unknown Hexpull up at a party and they would

07:50 - 07:52 Unknown just assume that I was 17, 18 and I was

07:52 - 07:55 Unknown the plug. So I remember going to a party

07:55 - 07:57 Unknown in seventh grade

07:57 - 07:58 Unknown and I was the guy who was who had the

07:58 - 08:00 Unknown bud who had weed. So, you know,

08:00 - 08:04 Unknown honestly, the way people view college is

08:04 - 08:06 Unknown how I viewed seventh grade. Okay?

08:06 - 08:08 Unknown Seventh grade was like my like I got all

08:08 - 08:10 Unknown the girls.

08:10 - 08:12 Unknown I was driving, going to all the parties.

08:12 - 08:14 Unknown I had a fake ID. I was going to like

08:14 - 08:16 Unknown little clubs

08:16 - 08:17 Unknown you know. Um,

08:17 - 08:19 Unknown you're wild.

08:19 - 08:20 Unknown Yeah. To be honest with me, I had a gold

08:20 - 08:22 Unknown chain, you know. I had a gold chain. I

08:22 - 08:24 Unknown had a gold bracelet. I was a in my mind

08:24 - 08:26 Unknown I was a dope dealer.

08:26 - 08:27 Unknown Gangster.

08:27 - 08:28 Unknown Yeah. I was a gangster, you know. I had

08:28 - 08:29 Unknown um uh Young Jeezy Trapper Die had just

08:29 - 08:32 Unknown came out and uh the movie Blow was

08:32 - 08:35 Unknown coming out.

08:35 - 08:36 Unknown Okay.

08:36 - 08:38 Unknown And then when I got arrested, that's

08:38 - 08:39 Unknown How old were you when you got arrested?

08:39 - 08:41 Unknown Seventh grade. So 12 or 13.

08:41 - 08:42 Unknown Jeez. Okay.

08:42 - 08:44 Unknown So I got arrested at school with an

08:44 - 08:44 Unknown ounce of weed.

08:44 - 08:45 Unknown Mhm.

08:45 - 08:46 Unknown And um that's when I started to get drug

08:46 - 08:48 Unknown tested. And then

08:48 - 08:50 Unknown at the school

08:50 - 08:51 Unknown I got arrested at school.

08:51 - 08:53 Unknown Okay. You got arrested at school. And

08:53 - 08:54 Unknown then who would drug test you? The

08:54 - 08:55 Unknown school?

08:55 - 08:57 Unknown No. I was on probation. And so then I

08:57 - 08:59 Unknown was doing like an outpatient program

08:59 - 09:00 Unknown where I'd have to go once a week or

09:00 - 09:02 Unknown every other week to get tested and then

09:02 - 09:04 Unknown I had to do groups and [ __ ] like that.

09:04 - 09:06 Unknown And then

09:06 - 09:08 Unknown but you were stealing other people's

09:08 - 09:08 Unknown pee.

09:08 - 09:11 Unknown Yeah, of course. I mean I mean No, no,

09:11 - 09:13 Unknown no. I know. So at that time So at that

09:13 - 09:15 Unknown time I just wasn't using I didn't know

09:15 - 09:16 Unknown about that.

09:16 - 09:16 Unknown Okay.

09:16 - 09:18 Unknown So I was just not smoke cuz all I did

09:18 - 09:19 Unknown was smoke weed at that time. Okay.

09:19 - 09:21 Unknown So at that time just not smoking weed.

09:21 - 09:23 Unknown And then one day my boy um I don't want

09:23 - 09:25 Unknown to say his name. My boy he came over to

09:25 - 09:27 Unknown my crib

09:27 - 09:29 Unknown and he was like, Yo, like I left

09:29 - 09:31 Unknown something under your keyboard on your

09:31 - 09:33 Unknown like like don't look at it. And I was

09:33 - 09:34 Unknown like, What? And it was powder cocaine.

09:34 - 09:36 Unknown Mhm.

09:36 - 09:38 Unknown And um I remember being like scared of

09:38 - 09:39 Unknown it like

09:39 - 09:40 Unknown Yeah.

09:40 - 09:42 Unknown what? And then um I remember I was like,

09:42 - 09:44 Unknown How much for a gram? And he was like,

09:44 - 09:46 Unknown $40. And I was like, $40? Cuz like

09:46 - 09:47 Unknown in weed, you know?

09:47 - 09:50 Unknown Yeah. You can get a lot.

09:50 - 09:51 Unknown And then he was like, Yeah. So then he

09:51 - 09:53 Unknown taught me how to do it and then I

09:53 - 09:55 Unknown remember he was like um you know how'd

09:55 - 09:56 Unknown you like it and I was like bro I think

09:56 - 09:58 Unknown you sold me fake [ __ ] and he was like

09:58 - 10:00 Unknown why? And I was like bro all I did was

10:00 - 10:01 Unknown stay up all night and play video games.

10:01 - 10:03 Unknown He's like what?

10:03 - 10:04 Unknown I was like he's like that's all it does?

10:04 - 10:06 Unknown That's all it does? Cuz I was thinking

10:06 - 10:08 Unknown like I had done mushrooms already. I

10:08 - 10:10 Unknown smoked weed. I done Xanax. I've been

10:10 - 10:12 Unknown drunk. So I'm thinking cocaine must be

10:12 - 10:13 Unknown like

10:13 - 10:15 Unknown it just keeps you awake, right?

10:15 - 10:16 Unknown That's it.

10:16 - 10:19 Unknown Yeah. Just like doing a bunch of It's

10:19 - 10:21 Unknown like aderall whatever. So I was like

10:21 - 10:24 Unknown that's it. I was like, That's nothing.

10:24 - 10:25 Unknown And then I started to do it and then I

10:25 - 10:25 Unknown had this revelation like

10:25 - 10:28 Unknown I wasn't meant to play baseball.

10:28 - 10:30 Unknown I wasn't meant to play basketball. I

10:30 - 10:33 Unknown wasn't meant to do anything other

10:33 - 10:34 Unknown than cocaine.

10:34 - 10:34 Unknown That's crazy.

10:34 - 10:36 Unknown Because I'm half Colombian.

10:36 - 10:38 Unknown And so I remember

10:38 - 10:39 Unknown in seventh grade that was your purpose.

10:39 - 10:42 Unknown I remember thinking this is what I was

10:42 - 10:43 Unknown put on earth to do.

10:43 - 10:46 Unknown I started I got so just like I got so

10:46 - 10:48 Unknown into weed, I got so into cocaine. I read

10:48 - 10:50 Unknown every book about the cartel. I read

10:50 - 10:52 Unknown books about like Pablo Escobar.

10:52 - 10:53 Unknown You saw the documentaries.

10:53 - 10:55 Unknown I saw the Yeah. Cocaine Cowboys that

10:55 - 10:57 Unknown just came out. The movie Blow had just

10:57 - 10:59 Unknown came out. And I remember like me and all

10:59 - 11:01 Unknown and dude, I was if you weren't doing

11:01 - 11:02 Unknown Coke, I just thought you were like a

11:02 - 11:03 Unknown total loser.

11:03 - 11:05 Unknown Well, sometimes I'm like when I'm

11:05 - 11:06 Unknown reading the book, I'm like, yo, this guy

11:06 - 11:09 Unknown must think I'm a [ __ ] loser. Like you

11:09 - 11:10 Unknown knew me back then, you'd be like, you

11:10 - 11:11 Unknown dumb [ __ ]

11:11 - 11:13 Unknown Yeah. I mean, I kind of was. And and to

11:13 - 11:15 Unknown be honest with you, like I was just uh

11:15 - 11:18 Unknown an insecure boy trying to fit in with

11:18 - 11:20 Unknown people I shouldn't even wanted to fit in

11:20 - 11:21 Unknown with.

11:21 - 11:23 Unknown You sometimes seem a little mean.

11:23 - 11:24 Unknown Oh, I was extremely mean.

11:24 - 11:24 Unknown Yeah.

11:24 - 11:26 Unknown I'm like, Oh, I'm like

11:26 - 11:28 Unknown there there are girls that I've met as

11:28 - 11:30 Unknown an adult and I don't even remember them

11:30 - 11:32 Unknown and they were like, Yo, you ruined my

11:32 - 11:34 Unknown life.

11:34 - 11:34 Unknown Really?

11:34 - 11:36 Unknown Yo, there's this girl who came up to me

11:36 - 11:37 Unknown one day and she was like, Hey, I'm glad

11:37 - 11:39 Unknown you're doing good and everything, but I

11:39 - 11:41 Unknown want you to know you ruined my life.

11:41 - 11:41 Unknown Jesus.

11:41 - 11:43 Unknown And I was like, damn. That's that's

11:43 - 11:46 Unknown and I feel horrible now. But like

11:46 - 11:47 Unknown when I when people hear that I was a

11:47 - 11:49 Unknown drug addict as a young age, they're like

11:49 - 11:52 Unknown oh like they feel sorry like oh that's

11:52 - 11:54 Unknown sad. But if you would have known me then

11:54 - 11:56 Unknown you're like oh that kid's a piece of

11:56 - 11:58 Unknown [ __ ]

11:58 - 11:59 Unknown Yeah.

11:59 - 12:01 Unknown Like that kid's garbage.

12:01 - 12:03 Unknown And so seventh grade we're doing

12:03 - 12:04 Unknown cocaine.

12:04 - 12:04 Unknown Mhm.

12:04 - 12:06 Unknown And then when did the crack start? Cuz

12:06 - 12:08 Unknown Okay. To be honest

12:08 - 12:11 Unknown I'm not even fully sure what crack is.

12:11 - 12:13 Unknown Okay. I try to understand it's like

12:13 - 12:15 Unknown cocaine smoked cocaine. This episode is

12:15 - 12:17 Unknown brought to you by Jerkmate, the site

12:17 - 12:20 Unknown where the models are actually live and

12:20 - 12:22 Unknown waiting for you. We're talking realtime

12:22 - 12:25 Unknown chats, no scripts, no filters. You're

12:25 - 12:27 Unknown not just watching, you're part of the

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12:29 - 12:30 Unknown Just go cam to cam. Want to stay

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12:32 - 12:34 Unknown for anything you want. And don't be shy.

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12:50 - 12:53 Unknown ready to have some fun.

12:53 - 12:55 Unknown So, you you get Coke and you cook it.

12:55 - 12:57 Unknown And when you cook it and cool it fast,

12:57 - 12:59 Unknown okay,

12:59 - 13:01 Unknown with you use baking soda, but you don't

13:01 - 13:03 Unknown have to use baking soda, but it helps

13:03 - 13:05 Unknown like the re-rock process. You heat it up

13:05 - 13:07 Unknown and you cool it down. And then when it

13:07 - 13:09 Unknown comes out, it shakes out to like you

13:09 - 13:11 Unknown could get a gram of Coke and it'll cook

13:11 - 13:14 Unknown up to like this much of crack,

13:14 - 13:16 Unknown which is like what the but like the

13:16 - 13:17 Unknown purest form.

13:17 - 13:20 Unknown So Coke, if you mush it, it'll it'll

13:20 - 13:21 Unknown mush. When you heat it up and cool it

13:21 - 13:23 Unknown down, it turns into like a actual rock

13:23 - 13:25 Unknown that is like you break it and it will

13:25 - 13:27 Unknown snap

13:27 - 13:29 Unknown and it's like a hard form and then when

13:29 - 13:30 Unknown you light it, it'll start smoking. If

13:30 - 13:32 Unknown you light coke, it'll start melting.

13:32 - 13:36 Unknown Okay. But it's so pure and it's and it's

13:36 - 13:39 Unknown u like how how much cocaine is actually

13:39 - 13:41 Unknown in it. When you melt coke down, most of

13:41 - 13:43 Unknown the impurities go away. So this is like

13:43 - 13:45 Unknown the highest form of crack.

13:45 - 13:49 Unknown And what I tell people it's like the

13:49 - 13:52 Unknown difference between like uh Red Bull and

13:52 - 13:53 Unknown an aderall.

13:53 - 13:55 Unknown Okay.

13:55 - 13:57 Unknown So then you have Red Bull, then you have

13:57 - 13:59 Unknown aderall,

13:59 - 14:00 Unknown then you have Coke, and then you have

14:00 - 14:01 Unknown Crack.

14:01 - 14:05 Unknown Mhm. So, the difference between Coke and

14:05 - 14:07 Unknown Crack, for me, my experience with it is

14:07 - 14:09 Unknown that when I used to buy Coke, if it was

14:09 - 14:11 Unknown garbage, I wouldn't buy it.

14:11 - 14:12 Unknown Okay.

14:12 - 14:14 Unknown If it wasn't good, I wouldn't buy it.

14:14 - 14:15 Unknown Two, when I would buy it, I would weigh

14:15 - 14:17 Unknown it out. And if it was off, we had

14:17 - 14:21 Unknown problems or I wasn't buying it.

14:21 - 14:22 Unknown Mhm.

14:22 - 14:25 Unknown When I got addicted to crack,

14:25 - 14:27 Unknown there was no, it's non-verbal.

14:27 - 14:29 Unknown So, when we would talk about when we

14:29 - 14:31 Unknown would do Coke, it would be like, Hey,

14:31 - 14:33 Unknown you want to get powder or, you know, you

14:33 - 14:34 Unknown want to buy a whatever.

14:34 - 14:37 Unknown Crack was all nonverbal. There was no

14:37 - 14:38 Unknown talking.

14:38 - 14:40 Unknown Okay.

14:40 - 14:41 Unknown You have a car. We're going right now.

14:41 - 14:42 Unknown Okay.

14:42 - 14:44 Unknown Like you don't have money. We're going

14:44 - 14:45 Unknown to get money.

14:45 - 14:48 Unknown How like from what I understood is that

14:48 - 14:51 Unknown you always wanted to be high on it.

14:51 - 14:54 Unknown Like how often were you doing it?

14:54 - 14:57 Unknown So I would do it as much as I could, but

14:57 - 14:59 Unknown honestly I would binge it.

14:59 - 15:01 Unknown Okay.

15:01 - 15:03 Unknown So I would go on two-day binges and then

15:03 - 15:05 Unknown I would swear I'll never do it again.

15:05 - 15:06 Unknown Mhm. And and then like it's crazy

15:06 - 15:09 Unknown because the come down is so hardcore

15:09 - 15:11 Unknown that you when you get over the come down

15:11 - 15:14 Unknown it is so disgusting. You're like I never

15:14 - 15:16 Unknown want to do that again. Like I would

15:16 - 15:18 Unknown throw away crack pipes. I remember

15:18 - 15:19 Unknown having crack pipes and whatever. I'll

15:19 - 15:23 Unknown throw it in the bushes behind my behind

15:23 - 15:24 Unknown my house.

15:24 - 15:26 Unknown Mh.

15:26 - 15:27 Unknown The next day you want to do it again. I

15:27 - 15:29 Unknown would wake up at 6:00 in the morning,

15:29 - 15:31 Unknown 4:00 in the morning, and I would I would

15:31 - 15:33 Unknown the thoughts would be so strong

15:33 - 15:36 Unknown that you would feel it in your body like

15:36 - 15:37 Unknown it would it would be

15:37 - 15:41 Unknown the the mental addiction is so strong.

15:41 - 15:43 Unknown I couldn't even

15:43 - 15:45 Unknown I I can't even explain it in words.

15:45 - 15:46 Unknown Yeah.

15:46 - 15:48 Unknown And then I would be in the bushes

15:48 - 15:49 Unknown looking for

15:49 - 15:51 Unknown the one that I threw out.

15:51 - 15:53 Unknown Spider like this is Florida. Spiderw

15:53 - 15:55 Unknown webs, all types of I just wouldn't care.

15:55 - 15:57 Unknown And I would find it

15:57 - 15:59 Unknown and then I would go and get more. And

15:59 - 16:01 Unknown then um

16:01 - 16:05 Unknown I would binge it probably like I mean I

16:05 - 16:07 Unknown would go months where I would do it on

16:07 - 16:09 Unknown the weekends like two days out the week

16:09 - 16:11 Unknown and then I would go months without doing

16:11 - 16:12 Unknown it and then I would go months with doing

16:12 - 16:14 Unknown it and then and then back and forth and

16:14 - 16:16 Unknown then it came to a point where

16:16 - 16:18 Unknown if I had left cuz then I got addicted to

16:18 - 16:20 Unknown opiates so I got addicted to oxies.

16:20 - 16:22 Unknown Then like that was like my main

16:22 - 16:24 Unknown girlfriend

16:24 - 16:25 Unknown and this was like my

16:25 - 16:26 Unknown sideho.

16:26 - 16:29 Unknown So it's like uh I needed opiates to

16:29 - 16:31 Unknown function like I couldn't if I didn't

16:31 - 16:33 Unknown have opiates I was [ __ ] myself and

16:33 - 16:34 Unknown throwing up. Yeah.

16:34 - 16:36 Unknown So then if I had extra money, I would

16:36 - 16:38 Unknown buy crack also. And then that was my

16:38 - 16:41 Unknown life for like 3 years.

16:41 - 16:44 Unknown And were you doing the opiates like

16:44 - 16:45 Unknown every single day?

16:45 - 16:47 Unknown Every Yeah. You once you're addicted to

16:47 - 16:49 Unknown opiates, you need them every 12 hours.

16:49 - 16:51 Unknown So I used to work in pharmacy, right?

16:51 - 16:53 Unknown And I I can tell sometimes clients would

16:53 - 16:56 Unknown come and I'm just like, you know, that

16:56 - 16:58 Unknown they're not taking it for what they're

16:58 - 17:00 Unknown supposed to be taking it and they just

17:00 - 17:02 Unknown like, oh yeah, I'm going on vacation and

17:02 - 17:04 Unknown I need my pills like 20 days early. And

17:04 - 17:06 Unknown it's like, but you you can't do that,

17:06 - 17:09 Unknown you know, like and you can see that they

17:09 - 17:11 Unknown were like feeling for them.

17:09 - 17:11 Unknown Mhm.

17:11 - 17:14 Unknown And how like did your mom know that you

17:14 - 17:16 Unknown were doing all this stuff?

17:16 - 17:21 Unknown So my parents knew, but love blinds

17:21 - 17:22 Unknown people.

17:22 - 17:23 Unknown Yeah.

17:23 - 17:26 Unknown So love will blind somebody to the point

17:26 - 17:28 Unknown where they know, but they don't want to

17:28 - 17:30 Unknown know. And they believe, but they don't

17:30 - 17:31 Unknown want to believe.

17:31 - 17:33 Unknown And they're seeing it, but they're

17:33 - 17:35 Unknown trying not to see it. And they're just

17:35 - 17:37 Unknown minimizing it. And they're trying like

17:37 - 17:41 Unknown do my parents talked to me multiple

17:41 - 17:42 Unknown times. They sent me to military school.

17:42 - 17:45 Unknown I've been to therapy.

17:45 - 17:47 Unknown My mom has had people come over and pray

17:47 - 17:48 Unknown over me. Really?

17:48 - 17:50 Unknown My mom used to take me to church.

17:50 - 17:53 Unknown My dad screamed and yelled and broke

17:53 - 17:55 Unknown things. My dad gave me things. My dad,

17:55 - 17:58 Unknown you know, would My dad had tried he

17:58 - 18:01 Unknown tried being mean. He tried being nice.

18:01 - 18:04 Unknown They, you know, took the the the door

18:04 - 18:05 Unknown off the hinges. Like they did they they

18:05 - 18:07 Unknown got an alarm on the house. this one. My

18:07 - 18:09 Unknown parents got an alarm so I couldn't go

18:09 - 18:11 Unknown out.

18:11 - 18:11 Unknown Yeah.

18:11 - 18:12 Unknown You know,

18:12 - 18:13 Unknown that's so crazy.

18:13 - 18:16 Unknown You know, my parents, they did

18:16 - 18:19 Unknown everything they could, but um I just

18:19 - 18:20 Unknown never

18:20 - 18:23 Unknown there was nothing that could stop me,

18:23 - 18:24 Unknown you know?

18:24 - 18:26 Unknown That's so crazy when you think about it

18:26 - 18:28 Unknown that cuz I feel like if I were addicted

18:28 - 18:31 Unknown to something, I would just be like there

18:31 - 18:33 Unknown there would be no way out for me. Like I feel

18:33 - 18:35 Unknown like I don't have that willpower.

18:35 - 18:36 Unknown Yeah.

18:36 - 18:38 Unknown You know what I mean?

18:38 - 18:41 Unknown Yeah. Yeah. I mean, even myself, like I

18:41 - 18:43 Unknown stay away from things that could be

18:43 - 18:45 Unknown addictive because I know I have an

18:45 - 18:46 Unknown addictive personality.

18:46 - 18:48 Unknown Yeah, exactly. I feel like I do, too.

18:48 - 18:51 Unknown And if I were to like do something that

18:51 - 18:53 Unknown would feel good, I'd be like, Oh, okay.

18:53 - 18:56 Unknown Well, let me, you know, keep doing

18:56 - 18:57 Unknown this. But I guess it's different also

18:57 - 19:00 Unknown when you're younger than when when

19:00 - 19:01 Unknown you're older.

19:01 - 19:04 Unknown So, when you're younger, you don't have

19:04 - 19:05 Unknown So, like for people that don't know, I

19:05 - 19:08 Unknown also worked in addiction for like nine

19:08 - 19:10 Unknown years as a professional. So, you know,

19:10 - 19:13 Unknown I've learned a lot of things like now

19:13 - 19:15 Unknown that I didn't know as a child, but as a

19:15 - 19:17 Unknown kid, your frontal lobe isn't developed.

19:17 - 19:19 Unknown Your frontal lobe is where you have your

19:19 - 19:20 Unknown decision-m skills and controls your

19:20 - 19:22 Unknown impulses.

19:22 - 19:24 Unknown So, when you do that as a young age,

19:24 - 19:26 Unknown your frontal lobe might never

19:26 - 19:29 Unknown fully develop, you know. So, a lot of it

19:29 - 19:30 Unknown is a frontal lobe issue where that's why

19:30 - 19:32 Unknown treatment and long-term treatment and

19:32 - 19:35 Unknown outpatient is so important because it it

19:35 - 19:37 Unknown gives you this environment where you

19:37 - 19:39 Unknown don't have to make those impulsive

19:39 - 19:41 Unknown decisions and people are making a lot of

19:41 - 19:43 Unknown decisions for you and it gives you time

19:43 - 19:44 Unknown to repair that decision making. I tell

19:44 - 19:46 Unknown people all the time,

19:46 - 19:49 Unknown the main thing you learn in treatment is

19:49 - 19:51 Unknown what to do when someone tells you no.

19:51 - 19:53 Unknown Okay? how you deal with that when

19:53 - 19:55 Unknown someone tells you something you don't

19:55 - 19:56 Unknown want to hear or someone

19:56 - 19:59 Unknown you know I I'd like to know what what

19:59 - 20:01 Unknown the answer is. I have a hard time when

20:01 - 20:03 Unknown someone says no to me.

20:03 - 20:05 Unknown Yeah. So a lot of times you know cuz I

20:05 - 20:07 Unknown own drug rehabs for a long time and like

20:07 - 20:09 Unknown a lot of times a client would be like

20:09 - 20:11 Unknown hey I want to do this and it wouldn't

20:11 - 20:13 Unknown even be that big of a deal and I would

20:13 - 20:15 Unknown be like well if I told you no how would

20:15 - 20:15 Unknown how would you feel?

20:15 - 20:17 Unknown Well why?

20:17 - 20:18 Unknown Yeah

20:18 - 20:21 Unknown it doesn't make no sense. Okay. Well,

20:21 - 20:23 Unknown you're going to learn what happens. How

20:23 - 20:25 Unknown do you how do you respond when Cuz when

20:25 - 20:27 Unknown someone tells you no, you want to

20:27 - 20:29 Unknown self-destruct and you want to say this

20:29 - 20:30 Unknown is [ __ ] and whatever,

20:30 - 20:32 Unknown but you're going to learn how to do that

20:32 - 20:33 Unknown here in a safe environment.

20:33 - 20:35 Unknown Yeah.

20:35 - 20:36 Unknown You're going to sit with it because

20:36 - 20:38 Unknown watching Avatar on Saturday really

20:38 - 20:41 Unknown Yeah. But, uh,

20:41 - 20:42 Unknown you know, if that sets you off in

20:42 - 20:44 Unknown treatment

20:44 - 20:46 Unknown out there is is really going to set you

20:46 - 20:49 Unknown off, you know? So, it's like we're gonna

20:49 - 20:51 Unknown we're gonna teach you things here that

20:51 - 20:53 Unknown are, you know, what we call like

20:53 - 20:55 Unknown therapeutic,

20:55 - 20:57 Unknown you know, oh, you really want a haircut?

20:57 - 21:00 Unknown I don't know. Maybe we won't give you a

21:00 - 21:01 Unknown haircut.

21:01 - 21:03 Unknown How does that make you feel?

21:03 - 21:05 Unknown And people go crazy

21:05 - 21:06 Unknown for for the whatever. And it's like

21:06 - 21:09 Unknown these little things, but you really see

21:09 - 21:10 Unknown what somebody's made of

21:10 - 21:12 Unknown because that kid who's super polite and

21:12 - 21:14 Unknown following all the rules, as soon as he

21:14 - 21:16 Unknown doesn't get his way, that's when you,

21:14 - 21:16 Unknown you know, that's when we would say, Oh,

21:16 - 21:18 Unknown that's when

21:18 - 21:20 Unknown the real Lexus showed up. Yeah,

21:20 - 21:21 Unknown cuz you're all sweet and nice until

21:21 - 21:23 Unknown Yeah. Yeah. No, that's that. But that's

21:23 - 21:25 Unknown for everybody, not just people with with

21:25 - 21:26 Unknown addiction. Um, so as I was reading the

21:26 - 21:30 Unknown book

21:30 - 21:30 Unknown Mhm.

21:30 - 21:32 Unknown Okay. You still hung around people that

21:32 - 21:35 Unknown were doing stuff?

21:35 - 21:36 Unknown For sure.

21:36 - 21:38 Unknown How? Like how?

21:38 - 21:40 Unknown So I didn't have,

21:40 - 21:41 Unknown you know, like

21:41 - 21:43 Unknown so I didn't have friends

21:43 - 21:45 Unknown and I I had made like now like looking

21:45 - 21:47 Unknown back I was like why would I do that? But

21:47 - 21:49 Unknown when I first got clean, like all of my

21:49 - 21:50 Unknown friends were using

21:50 - 21:52 Unknown and then I it was a lot of people in

21:52 - 21:54 Unknown meetings like they had their own friend

21:54 - 21:56 Unknown groups and like I'm in school, they have

21:56 - 21:58 Unknown jobs, you know, a lot of people have

21:58 - 22:01 Unknown like careers already and like you know I

22:01 - 22:02 Unknown didn't really know what to do and then I

22:02 - 22:04 Unknown would just hang out with my junkie

22:04 - 22:06 Unknown friends and they would be doing pills

22:06 - 22:08 Unknown next to me. I was sleep I was hooking up

22:08 - 22:10 Unknown with this girl and she was doing pills

22:10 - 22:11 Unknown in the bathroom.

22:11 - 22:14 Unknown Yeah. Yeah. But that that didn't want to

22:14 - 22:15 Unknown make you relapse because honest to God,

22:15 - 22:17 Unknown every time I you know I haven't I'm like

22:17 - 22:19 Unknown he's going to relapse. This is it. You

22:19 - 22:21 Unknown know, and then I'm like, Okay, maybe he

22:21 - 22:22 Unknown doesn't relapse.

22:22 - 22:24 Unknown Yeah. I mean it it it definitely wasn't

22:24 - 22:26 Unknown the smartest thing, but they say like

22:26 - 22:27 Unknown the road gets narrow where there is a

22:27 - 22:29 Unknown part in the book where um

22:29 - 22:31 Unknown I stopped doing those things,

22:31 - 22:34 Unknown you know, and a lot of those things I

22:34 - 22:35 Unknown never told people like I didn't tell my

22:35 - 22:37 Unknown sponsor about I didn't tell my sponsor

22:37 - 22:39 Unknown that the girl I was hooking up with was

22:39 - 22:41 Unknown also doing blues

22:41 - 22:43 Unknown until probably 9 months clean.

22:43 - 22:45 Unknown Wow.

22:45 - 22:46 Unknown And my sponsor was like, What?

22:46 - 22:47 Unknown Yeah.

22:47 - 22:49 Unknown Why didn't you tell me this? And I

22:49 - 22:50 Unknown didn't even think it was an issue. When

22:50 - 22:52 Unknown you hung out with drug addicts your

22:52 - 22:53 Unknown whole life,

22:53 - 22:54 Unknown it's not weird. I would get drugs for my

22:54 - 22:55 Unknown friends.

22:55 - 22:57 Unknown That's you have you have willpower to do

22:57 - 23:00 Unknown that.

23:00 - 23:02 Unknown No, a lot of it stupidity and luck.

23:02 - 23:03 Unknown Okay.

23:03 - 23:05 Unknown A lot of that is stupidity and luck.

23:05 - 23:07 Unknown Because today, if somebody was like,

23:07 - 23:09 Unknown Hey, I'm going to go hang out with my

23:09 - 23:10 Unknown friend who's on drugs and I'm trying not

23:10 - 23:12 Unknown to do drugs. I'd be like, You're very

23:12 - 23:13 Unknown dumb.

23:13 - 23:14 Unknown You're very dumb and you're taking risks

23:14 - 23:16 Unknown that you don't have to take. But I was

23:16 - 23:18 Unknown so I like I was so lonely

23:18 - 23:22 Unknown that I was willing to hang out with

23:22 - 23:24 Unknown people that were on drugs because I just

23:24 - 23:25 Unknown didn't one I had no one else to hang out

23:25 - 23:27 Unknown with.

23:27 - 23:29 Unknown Literally like everyone even when I was

23:29 - 23:31 Unknown clean a lot of people I grew up with or

23:31 - 23:33 Unknown I knew

23:33 - 23:35 Unknown were all like, Oh, that kid's a

23:35 - 23:35 Unknown scumbag.

23:35 - 23:36 Unknown Mhm.

23:36 - 23:37 Unknown You know, I remember I had one

23:37 - 23:38 Unknown cuz you did some shady [ __ ]

23:38 - 23:41 Unknown Not for no reason. Yeah. I remember I

23:41 - 23:43 Unknown had like I had a year clean and one of

23:43 - 23:45 Unknown my childhood friends we had like become

23:45 - 23:47 Unknown friends again and he was like yo you

23:47 - 23:49 Unknown want to come over and watch Entourage

23:49 - 23:51 Unknown and we used to go to his house and watch

23:51 - 23:52 Unknown Entourage and I remember I was at his

23:52 - 23:53 Unknown house there was a couple people there

23:53 - 23:55 Unknown and his mom walked in his mom looked at

23:55 - 23:57 Unknown me said Jonathan come here

23:57 - 23:59 Unknown and she said he's that guy is not

23:59 - 24:01 Unknown allowed in my house

24:01 - 24:02 Unknown and he was like he's been clean for a

24:02 - 24:05 Unknown year and she goes I don't care he and he

24:05 - 24:06 Unknown he drove me home

24:06 - 24:07 Unknown did he?

24:07 - 24:08 Unknown Yeah.

24:08 - 24:11 Unknown Oh wow. later on, you know, his family

24:11 - 24:12 Unknown accepted me or whatever, but this is at

24:12 - 24:14 Unknown a year clean. Now, imagine I'm 17, 18

24:14 - 24:16 Unknown years old. I have a year clean. I'm

24:16 - 24:18 Unknown going to go hang out with the only

24:18 - 24:19 Unknown people I know who aren't on drugs.

24:19 - 24:21 Unknown Yeah.

24:21 - 24:23 Unknown And the mom calls me out in front of

24:23 - 24:24 Unknown everyone and says, That kid needs to go

24:24 - 24:25 Unknown home.

24:25 - 24:27 Unknown Yeah. But I I I get her her uh

24:27 - 24:31 Unknown because think about for four years, hey,

24:31 - 24:33 Unknown how's Brian doing? Oh, he's smoking

24:33 - 24:34 Unknown crack. You know, but as a kid, as a kid,

24:34 - 24:37 Unknown it's like imagine like your self worth

24:37 - 24:38 Unknown and how you feel about yourself where

24:38 - 24:40 Unknown like for the

24:40 - 24:42 Unknown you know, these people haven't hung out

24:42 - 24:43 Unknown with me in a long time and now they're

24:43 - 24:45 Unknown finally talking to me again to have a

24:45 - 24:47 Unknown year clean. And at a year clean, you as

24:47 - 24:49 Unknown an addict, you feel like

24:49 - 24:50 Unknown so proud.

24:50 - 24:51 Unknown You're like beyond.

24:51 - 24:53 Unknown But even at a year clean, there are

24:53 - 24:55 Unknown people who do don't want you around

24:55 - 24:56 Unknown because there's so many people that do

24:56 - 24:57 Unknown relapse.

24:57 - 24:59 Unknown And not just that, who believes that,

24:59 - 25:01 Unknown you know, is he really clean? I don't

25:01 - 25:02 Unknown know if he's has he changed, you know.

25:02 - 25:03 Unknown Exactly. Oh man, that's crazy.

25:03 - 25:06 Unknown And with that being said, like I still

25:06 - 25:07 Unknown was like selling drugs at 6 months

25:07 - 25:09 Unknown clean. I was still, you know, doing

25:09 - 25:11 Unknown things. I wasn't I guess I was stealing.

25:11 - 25:13 Unknown So I was I was still stealing. I was

25:13 - 25:15 Unknown still stealing. I was still selling

25:15 - 25:16 Unknown drugs. I was still doing [ __ ] up [ __ ]

25:16 - 25:18 Unknown my first year clean. And um

25:18 - 25:21 Unknown that's why I always say like you never

25:21 - 25:23 Unknown know who's going to make it cuz there

25:23 - 25:25 Unknown was a bunch of people who got clean

25:25 - 25:27 Unknown around the same time who were goody two

25:27 - 25:29 Unknown shoes and followed all the rules and

25:29 - 25:32 Unknown and sometimes like uh the person you

25:32 - 25:34 Unknown last think is going to stay clean stays

25:34 - 25:35 Unknown clean

25:35 - 25:37 Unknown because you can't measure you can't

25:37 - 25:39 Unknown measure someone's uh like might you know

25:39 - 25:40 Unknown someone's because it it fluctuates every

25:40 - 25:42 Unknown day. Yeah. Yeah. Um um

25:42 - 25:47 Unknown you you can never know because like you

25:47 - 25:49 Unknown say, once an addict, always an addict,

25:49 - 25:51 Unknown right? So

25:51 - 25:53 Unknown you can see somebody and be like, Okay,

25:53 - 25:55 Unknown they got their [ __ ] together. They're

25:55 - 25:56 Unknown going to be clean. But they just have

25:56 - 25:58 Unknown not be at the right state of

25:58 - 26:00 Unknown mind, right? Like if you're feeling

26:00 - 26:01 Unknown down,

26:01 - 26:03 Unknown I tell people all the time, think about

26:03 - 26:04 Unknown it when you when you go on a diet.

26:04 - 26:05 Unknown Yeah.

26:05 - 26:08 Unknown Dude, you could be gungho for 3 months

26:08 - 26:09 Unknown and what happens after that?

26:09 - 26:11 Unknown Yeah. Exactly. So it's like you it

26:11 - 26:13 Unknown that's why in recovery we really do

26:13 - 26:15 Unknown preach a just for today mentality

26:15 - 26:16 Unknown where it's you're only thinking about

26:16 - 26:18 Unknown today

26:18 - 26:20 Unknown because the guy with 17 18 20 years or

26:20 - 26:23 Unknown whatever can have a day where he uses or

26:23 - 26:25 Unknown whatever. It's really just a 24-hour

26:25 - 26:26 Unknown period

26:26 - 26:29 Unknown where most people are looking at things

26:29 - 26:30 Unknown that okay even your family like I have

26:30 - 26:33 Unknown friends my my friend I got him into

26:33 - 26:35 Unknown treatment his brother has six months

26:35 - 26:36 Unknown clean and he's like he's doing really

26:36 - 26:38 Unknown well da d I was like is he going to

26:38 - 26:40 Unknown meetings? He's like, I don't know if he

26:40 - 26:41 Unknown goes to meet. I was like, You better

26:41 - 26:42 Unknown make sure he goes to meetings

26:42 - 26:44 Unknown because

26:44 - 26:45 Unknown they help.

26:45 - 26:47 Unknown Well, I mean, not only in my opinion,

26:47 - 26:48 Unknown it's like

26:48 - 26:51 Unknown you felt so good after

26:51 - 26:53 Unknown Yeah. I couldn't imagine having six

26:53 - 26:55 Unknown months clean and not going to meetings.

26:55 - 26:57 Unknown I went to meetings every single day for

26:57 - 26:58 Unknown years.

26:58 - 27:01 Unknown Years. Every single day. So, you have

27:01 - 27:03 Unknown six months and you already think you're

27:03 - 27:04 Unknown good.

27:04 - 27:04 Unknown Yeah.

27:04 - 27:06 Unknown That's like crazy. And um

27:06 - 27:08 Unknown so once mo once someone thinks that

27:08 - 27:10 Unknown they're good is the beginning of them of

27:10 - 27:11 Unknown them going bad. You were still stealing

27:11 - 27:13 Unknown your mom your parents' car. Did they

27:13 - 27:15 Unknown know about that? Like you were clean and

27:15 - 27:17 Unknown you were doing so good and then you go

27:17 - 27:18 Unknown and steal their [ __ ] car and I'm like

27:18 - 27:20 Unknown why are you doing that? If you're

27:20 - 27:21 Unknown watching this right now, I bet you care

27:21 - 27:23 Unknown about how you look, feel, and smell.

27:23 - 27:25 Unknown Especially smell. And that's why I am

27:25 - 27:27 Unknown here to talk to you about Kingilla. They

27:27 - 27:30 Unknown make all naturatural soaps, shampoos,

27:30 - 27:31 Unknown lip balms, and deodorants for men. But

27:31 - 27:34 Unknown I'm not going to lie, I use them as

27:34 - 27:36 Unknown well. They use organic ingredients that

27:36 - 27:38 Unknown keep you feeling fresh all day long. And

27:38 - 27:40 Unknown trust me, you deserve to treat yourself

27:40 - 27:41 Unknown like a king. So do yourself and your

27:41 - 27:43 Unknown girlfriend a favor by visiting them at

27:43 - 27:45 Unknown king.com.

27:45 - 27:47 Unknown You won't regret it. Oh, and don't

27:47 - 27:49 Unknown forget to use my promo code Lexus Star

27:49 - 27:51 Unknown to get 15% off your order. stealing the

27:51 - 27:53 Unknown car was so like I was so entitled where

27:53 - 27:56 Unknown I just thought like no one's using it.

27:56 - 27:57 Unknown So why not? And did they know?

27:57 - 27:59 Unknown Dude, I at times I would be like there

27:59 - 28:01 Unknown are times where I was like the keys are

28:01 - 28:03 Unknown in the drawer. Are they do they want me

28:03 - 28:04 Unknown to take it?

28:04 - 28:05 Unknown Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

28:05 - 28:07 Unknown Cuz in my mind it's like dude you know I

28:07 - 28:09 Unknown steal the car all the time. Like why

28:09 - 28:11 Unknown don't you

28:11 - 28:11 Unknown Why don't you hide the keys?

28:11 - 28:13 Unknown Hide the keys.

28:13 - 28:15 Unknown My brother used to steal my dad's car

28:15 - 28:16 Unknown all the time. And I'm like do they not

28:16 - 28:17 Unknown realize?

28:17 - 28:19 Unknown I think my parents were like I don't

28:19 - 28:21 Unknown know because I don't like nobody driving

28:21 - 28:22 Unknown my cars.

28:22 - 28:23 Unknown Yeah.

28:23 - 28:24 Unknown I don't let anyone drive. I don't know.

28:24 - 28:26 Unknown I think like I think as an adult you

28:26 - 28:29 Unknown hide your keys for a little bit and then

28:29 - 28:31 Unknown you get so tired of just like the dayto

28:31 - 28:32 Unknown day in your life

28:32 - 28:35 Unknown that you come home from a long day and

28:35 - 28:36 Unknown you just put the keys in the drawers.

28:36 - 28:37 Unknown Yeah.

28:37 - 28:39 Unknown You're not thinking is he going to take

28:39 - 28:41 Unknown him this time or I don't know. But like

28:41 - 28:43 Unknown dude I took the car all the time and

28:43 - 28:45 Unknown Did you ever get busted though? Would

28:45 - 28:45 Unknown they?

28:45 - 28:46 Unknown Yeah.

28:46 - 28:48 Unknown And then they would still leave the keys

28:48 - 28:48 Unknown there

28:48 - 28:50 Unknown months. They would hide it for a couple

28:50 - 28:51 Unknown months.

28:51 - 28:51 Unknown Okay. And then

28:51 - 28:53 Unknown and they would think that maybe I

28:53 - 28:54 Unknown learned my lesson or something. But it's

28:54 - 28:55 Unknown like I was just waiting for the keys to

28:55 - 28:57 Unknown be in that

28:57 - 28:59 Unknown drawer in that drawer. I'm like, okay, I

28:59 - 29:00 Unknown think he's good now. When I'm reading,

29:00 - 29:01 Unknown I'm like, he's not going to do something

29:01 - 29:02 Unknown stupid. And then you go and do something

29:02 - 29:03 Unknown stupid.

29:03 - 29:05 Unknown Well, so the important part about the

29:05 - 29:07 Unknown book, so people that don't know, it's

29:07 - 29:09 Unknown obviously not about how to talk to girls

29:09 - 29:10 Unknown at party. I'm still trying to figure

29:10 - 29:11 Unknown that out.

29:11 - 29:13 Unknown But um the book is about my first those

29:13 - 29:15 Unknown are my actual diary entries of my first

29:15 - 29:18 Unknown year clean. Those like I'll show you

29:18 - 29:20 Unknown composition books. I have real like 40

29:20 - 29:21 Unknown composition books on my first year clean

29:21 - 29:23 Unknown and I've been keeping a diary up until

29:23 - 29:25 Unknown like yesterday. So for 17 years I've had

29:25 - 29:27 Unknown a diary. Now those are like the actual

29:27 - 29:29 Unknown diaries and um

29:29 - 29:32 Unknown most books on addiction is like 200

29:32 - 29:34 Unknown pages of using drugs and then I went to

29:34 - 29:36 Unknown rehab and got clean.

29:36 - 29:37 Unknown Yeah.

29:37 - 29:39 Unknown And then that's it. Or it's just like

29:39 - 29:40 Unknown then I went to me whatever. But this you

29:40 - 29:42 Unknown see like the roller coaster of the first

29:42 - 29:44 Unknown year of like

29:44 - 29:46 Unknown not having friends, the depression,

29:46 - 29:49 Unknown thinking like nothing's ever working,

29:49 - 29:50 Unknown getting kicked out of school. I got

29:50 - 29:51 Unknown kicked out of school twice clean.

29:51 - 29:53 Unknown And a lot of people who get clean,

29:53 - 29:54 Unknown that's what life is like for them.

29:54 - 29:56 Unknown They don't just get clean and all their

29:56 - 29:58 Unknown problems. It's like you still have to

29:58 - 29:59 Unknown change the person that you are.

29:59 - 30:00 Unknown Yeah.

30:00 - 30:02 Unknown So,

30:02 - 30:03 Unknown but sometime like when I when I'm

30:03 - 30:04 Unknown reading, I'm like, man, he's got so many

30:04 - 30:06 Unknown things going on in his head. Yeah,

30:06 - 30:08 Unknown you know, there's so many things

30:08 - 30:11 Unknown happening and sometimes I tend to

30:11 - 30:12 Unknown overthink a lot and I tend to like

30:12 - 30:14 Unknown stress over things and I kind of related

30:14 - 30:16 Unknown to you with that because I I see that

30:16 - 30:19 Unknown you're going from one subject to the

30:19 - 30:21 Unknown other to the other. And um did you have

30:21 - 30:23 Unknown any people be like, Hey, cuz I know you

30:23 - 30:25 Unknown changed some names, right? Did you have

30:25 - 30:27 Unknown any people that read your book and

30:27 - 30:29 Unknown you're like, Yo, was that was that me

30:29 - 30:30 Unknown or?

30:30 - 30:31 Unknown Yeah. I'm pretty sure everyone knows

30:31 - 30:33 Unknown who's who they are.

30:33 - 30:35 Unknown Yeah, sure. Thank you.

30:35 - 30:36 Unknown That's okay.

30:36 - 30:38 Unknown Yeah. So, I mean, when I change people's

30:38 - 30:40 Unknown names, I basically ask them like, Hey,

30:40 - 30:41 Unknown do you want me to keep your name in?

30:41 - 30:43 Unknown There's some people's names that I I

30:43 - 30:45 Unknown didn't change. There might be some

30:45 - 30:46 Unknown people that don't know that they're in

30:46 - 30:48 Unknown the book, but a lot of times I um I

30:48 - 30:50 Unknown would take two characters in my real

30:50 - 30:51 Unknown life and put them as one, so it's less

30:51 - 30:53 Unknown confusing. So, it's like less names, you

30:53 - 30:54 Unknown know?

30:54 - 30:56 Unknown So, yeah, there's people in the book

30:56 - 30:57 Unknown that I merge

30:57 - 30:59 Unknown two people so that way it'd be less

30:59 - 31:01 Unknown confusing.

31:01 - 31:03 Unknown But, um yeah, like there's uh in the end

31:03 - 31:05 Unknown of the book there's like a where are

31:05 - 31:07 Unknown they now? M

31:07 - 31:08 Unknown and I kind of do like a breakdown of

31:08 - 31:10 Unknown where everyone in the book is now.

31:10 - 31:12 Unknown Okay. You were a little mean to Abigail.

31:12 - 31:14 Unknown So mean.

31:14 - 31:16 Unknown I'm like, poor little Abigail. Anyways,

31:16 - 31:18 Unknown I don't know the story, but you, you

31:18 - 31:20 Unknown know, I was just reading and I'm like,

31:20 - 31:22 Unknown oh, okay. And then I'm like, imagine she

31:22 - 31:24 Unknown reads this and then she, you know,

31:24 - 31:27 Unknown she says, oh, is that what he thought

31:27 - 31:28 Unknown about me or whatever, but I know that

31:28 - 31:29 Unknown you

31:29 - 31:31 Unknown So, I had published the book uh online

31:31 - 31:33 Unknown years ago and she had reached out to me.

31:33 - 31:34 Unknown Oh, did she? And um I think she just

31:34 - 31:38 Unknown knew she knew how [ __ ] up I was at the

31:38 - 31:39 Unknown time.

31:39 - 31:41 Unknown Yeah. So it didn't

31:41 - 31:43 Unknown I think at the time she was like she

31:43 - 31:45 Unknown thought I was a serial killer.

31:45 - 31:46 Unknown Yeah.

31:46 - 31:48 Unknown She was like are are you going to kill

31:48 - 31:49 Unknown me one day?

31:49 - 31:52 Unknown But I do get I do get like I was like oh

31:52 - 31:53 Unknown he'd probably be a scary guy back then.

31:53 - 31:55 Unknown I do get maybe not actually no I do get

31:55 - 31:58 Unknown serial killer vibes because of like

31:58 - 32:00 Unknown you're like or you're mad at your dad or

32:00 - 32:02 Unknown Yeah. So, um,

32:02 - 32:05 Unknown like, uh, I still struggle with suicidal

32:05 - 32:06 Unknown thoughts,

32:06 - 32:07 Unknown okay?

32:07 - 32:10 Unknown And people are always like, Oh, that's

32:10 - 32:11 Unknown so sad. I'm like, I'm just glad

32:11 - 32:13 Unknown they're not homicidal, you know?

32:13 - 32:16 Unknown So, it's like you got to look at the

32:16 - 32:17 Unknown bright side. I haven't had homicidal

32:17 - 32:19 Unknown thoughts in probably like 15 years.

32:19 - 32:20 Unknown Okay, that's good.

32:20 - 32:21 Unknown Yeah.

32:21 - 32:23 Unknown And how

32:23 - 32:25 Unknown how did you So, okay. No, you were going

32:25 - 32:29 Unknown to I don't know the term like you were

32:29 - 32:31 Unknown going to rehabs and you were talking to

32:31 - 32:33 Unknown people. Tell us about that.

32:33 - 32:35 Unknown So I would go to So like when I first

32:35 - 32:37 Unknown got clean, my sponsor was very into what

32:37 - 32:39 Unknown we call like H&I, which is where you go

32:39 - 32:41 Unknown and bring meetings into rehabs

32:41 - 32:43 Unknown and that was really where why being

32:43 - 32:47 Unknown clean started to make sense because

32:47 - 32:50 Unknown being clean and being in recovery took

32:50 - 32:52 Unknown so much work and my life wasn't getting

32:52 - 32:54 Unknown better.

32:54 - 32:57 Unknown So I was like, what is the how much work

32:57 - 32:59 Unknown I'm putting in isn't equating to a

32:59 - 33:01 Unknown better life.

33:01 - 33:03 Unknown I'm I'm probably more depressed now than

33:03 - 33:05 Unknown I've ever been. probably like people

33:05 - 33:07 Unknown don't realize that at six, seven months

33:07 - 33:09 Unknown clean, five months clean, I was probably

33:09 - 33:11 Unknown feeling worse than I had ever felt.

33:11 - 33:13 Unknown Yeah.

33:13 - 33:14 Unknown So, I was like, what's the point of all

33:14 - 33:16 Unknown this? But at 6 months clean is when I

33:16 - 33:18 Unknown started doing, you know, speaking at

33:18 - 33:20 Unknown rehabs and stuff like that and bringing

33:20 - 33:21 Unknown in meetings.

33:21 - 33:23 Unknown And the feeling that I would get when

33:23 - 33:25 Unknown someone would come out of a jail or a

33:25 - 33:27 Unknown rehab and be like, Yo, I never was

33:27 - 33:29 Unknown interested in getting clean until you

33:29 - 33:31 Unknown guys came in. would be like like like

33:31 - 33:33 Unknown there there's times I'd be at Publix

33:33 - 33:35 Unknown with my mom and there'd be a dude 40

33:35 - 33:37 Unknown years old with face tattoos and he would

33:37 - 33:39 Unknown come up to me and be like, Yo, dude,

33:39 - 33:41 Unknown when you came into Ki jail,

33:41 - 33:42 Unknown no way.

33:42 - 33:44 Unknown You were the best speaker we had over

33:44 - 33:45 Unknown there.

33:45 - 33:45 Unknown Get out.

33:45 - 33:47 Unknown And my mom would be like, Brian, who

33:47 - 33:50 Unknown the [ __ ] is that? You know, and then um

33:50 - 33:52 Unknown and like that feeling of like making a

33:52 - 33:53 Unknown difference.

33:53 - 33:54 Unknown Yeah.

33:54 - 33:56 Unknown Was uh till today the like there's no

33:56 - 33:57 Unknown better feeling than that.

33:57 - 34:00 Unknown Yeah, I could imagine. And how did you

34:00 - 34:03 Unknown go from that, you know, all you know,

34:03 - 34:05 Unknown drug addict, recovering, h&I's, is that

34:05 - 34:07 Unknown what they're called? Yeah.

34:07 - 34:09 Unknown To doing adult content.

34:09 - 34:11 Unknown When did you start? How did you get into

34:11 - 34:11 Unknown it?

34:11 - 34:14 Unknown So, I've always been I always got off on

34:14 - 34:16 Unknown the camera with, you know, doing

34:16 - 34:18 Unknown something. So, like even when I I think

34:18 - 34:21 Unknown like one of my first sexual experiences

34:21 - 34:21 Unknown ever,

34:21 - 34:24 Unknown I immediately was like, Oh my god, I

34:24 - 34:25 Unknown need to record this.

34:25 - 34:27 Unknown Mhm. Okay. which like that's just that's

34:27 - 34:29 Unknown just how I've always been.

34:29 - 34:31 Unknown Okay.

34:31 - 34:32 Unknown So, I I remember I set up the camera,

34:32 - 34:34 Unknown the girl came over. As soon as she left,

34:34 - 34:36 Unknown I went to go watch it. I didn't realize

34:36 - 34:38 Unknown the lights were off. You can't see

34:38 - 34:39 Unknown anything.

34:39 - 34:42 Unknown So, I didn't know about I didn't know

34:42 - 34:44 Unknown about lighting back then. But even in my

34:44 - 34:46 Unknown personal life, I always wanted to

34:46 - 34:48 Unknown record. I've always been into like

34:48 - 34:50 Unknown sending and receiving videos, you know,

34:50 - 34:52 Unknown and um I've always been hyperly sexual.

34:52 - 34:56 Unknown So, I thought I used to think that that

34:56 - 34:57 Unknown was um just because I'm a Scorpio. You

34:57 - 34:59 Unknown know what I mean?

34:59 - 35:01 Unknown I was literally just gonna say that.

35:01 - 35:03 Unknown I used to think I was like just because

35:03 - 35:05 Unknown of a Scorpio, but I I didn't even know.

35:05 - 35:07 Unknown Like, I say it now and I'm like

35:07 - 35:09 Unknown comfortable saying it, but when I had

35:09 - 35:12 Unknown five years clean, I found out I was

35:12 - 35:13 Unknown molested.

35:13 - 35:15 Unknown Oh, fudge. So, I never really thought of

35:15 - 35:17 Unknown myself as being one because when I would

35:17 - 35:19 Unknown go to drug rehabs as a young kid and

35:19 - 35:21 Unknown therapy as a young kid, that's one of

35:21 - 35:23 Unknown the main questions they would ask you

35:23 - 35:25 Unknown because they would they would be less

35:25 - 35:26 Unknown looking at me and more looking at my

35:26 - 35:28 Unknown parents and they'd be like, Dude, like

35:28 - 35:30 Unknown is everything okay at home like do your

35:30 - 35:32 Unknown parents beat you? Did anyone touch you?

35:32 - 35:35 Unknown And doing drugs at such a young age. I

35:35 - 35:37 Unknown also would be like, What's wrong? Cuz

35:37 - 35:39 Unknown I grew up in a nice neighborhood. My

35:39 - 35:41 Unknown parents cared about me. But I would go

35:41 - 35:43 Unknown into some facilities and they would

35:43 - 35:45 Unknown bring in specialists and they would be

35:45 - 35:47 Unknown like, I've been doing I remember this

35:47 - 35:49 Unknown one lady came in, Betsy Roberts, and she

35:49 - 35:51 Unknown was like, I've been working in the

35:51 - 35:53 Unknown Broward County school systems for 17, 18

35:53 - 35:55 Unknown years. This is the worst case of

35:55 - 35:57 Unknown addiction we've ever seen in an

35:57 - 35:58 Unknown adolescent.

35:58 - 36:00 Unknown Mhm.

36:00 - 36:01 Unknown Like, has anything ever happened to you?

36:01 - 36:02 Unknown Yeah.

36:02 - 36:04 Unknown You know, and at the time I was like,

36:04 - 36:06 Unknown no. Like, what the [ __ ] I'm

36:06 - 36:08 Unknown At the time I was like, I'm just an evil

36:08 - 36:10 Unknown kid, you know? I just I thought I was

36:10 - 36:11 Unknown just to me I was just a thug. Mhm.

36:11 - 36:13 Unknown And at 5 years clean, I remember I was

36:13 - 36:15 Unknown listening to a speaker and he talked

36:15 - 36:17 Unknown about how his babysitter used to take

36:17 - 36:20 Unknown care of him and she used to take showers

36:20 - 36:22 Unknown and she wanted him in the room while he

36:22 - 36:23 Unknown took a shower.

36:23 - 36:24 Unknown Oh [ __ ]

36:24 - 36:26 Unknown And he said um you don't have to be

36:26 - 36:27 Unknown touched to be molested.

36:27 - 36:29 Unknown Mhm.

36:29 - 36:29 Unknown And I never heard that before.

36:29 - 36:31 Unknown And as a young age, I think like in

36:31 - 36:34 Unknown probably first grade, my neighbor across

36:34 - 36:35 Unknown the street, him and his older brother

36:35 - 36:37 Unknown had like porn magazines. M.

36:37 - 36:39 Unknown And then like second grade, my other

36:39 - 36:41 Unknown friend's cousin went online and showed

36:41 - 36:43 Unknown me like adult videos. And then in like

36:43 - 36:46 Unknown third grade, me and my friends used to

36:46 - 36:47 Unknown go to each other's houses and watch

36:47 - 36:49 Unknown Cinemax because his parents had it on

36:49 - 36:50 Unknown like Comcast.

36:50 - 36:53 Unknown So I just thought that was normal things

36:53 - 36:55 Unknown that kids, everyone grew up with.

36:55 - 36:58 Unknown And as I get older, I have plenty of

36:58 - 37:00 Unknown friends who have kids

37:00 - 37:01 Unknown and we don't think any of that's going

37:01 - 37:03 Unknown on.

37:03 - 37:04 Unknown Yeah.

37:04 - 37:05 Unknown You know, like that would never happen.

37:05 - 37:07 Unknown No, I don't think so. when I was in uh

37:07 - 37:10 Unknown like probably like and I know it was

37:10 - 37:11 Unknown third grade or or younger because I

37:11 - 37:13 Unknown lived in a certain house.

37:13 - 37:15 Unknown My cousin was probably like 17 and he

37:15 - 37:17 Unknown would show me videos of him and his

37:17 - 37:19 Unknown girlfriend having sex.

37:19 - 37:20 Unknown No way.

37:20 - 37:22 Unknown And and he thought it was funny, but in

37:22 - 37:23 Unknown third grade that's insane.

37:23 - 37:25 Unknown You don't know how to to process that.

37:25 - 37:28 Unknown You don't even know what

37:28 - 37:30 Unknown you wouldn't even show a kid like you

37:30 - 37:32 Unknown would never show a kid that, you know.

37:32 - 37:34 Unknown So as I got older, I started to be like,

37:34 - 37:36 Unknown Oh, maybe like one, I know that that's

37:36 - 37:38 Unknown a form of being molested, you know? So

37:38 - 37:40 Unknown like no one like my uncle never touched

37:40 - 37:41 Unknown me or something like that. But I was

37:41 - 37:43 Unknown exposed to sex at a young age cuz even

37:43 - 37:45 Unknown when I started going to therapy with

37:45 - 37:47 Unknown years clean,

37:47 - 37:49 Unknown they would be like, Well, why are you

37:49 - 37:51 Unknown hyperly sexual? You know, like did

37:51 - 37:53 Unknown anything happen? I'm like, No,

37:53 - 37:54 Unknown whatever. And then when I would explain

37:54 - 37:56 Unknown this is like, Well, if you were super

37:56 - 37:57 Unknown sexual at a young age, it's because you

37:57 - 37:59 Unknown got exposed to it at a young age.

37:59 - 38:02 Unknown So anyway, so I was like super hyper

38:02 - 38:03 Unknown sexual when I was younger. And then when

38:03 - 38:04 Unknown I got clean,

38:04 - 38:06 Unknown I can't do drugs. I can't do anything.

38:06 - 38:08 Unknown So like sex is like really the only only

38:08 - 38:09 Unknown vice that I had, you know,

38:09 - 38:11 Unknown and then even with sex, there was a lot

38:11 - 38:13 Unknown of like shame that came with it because

38:13 - 38:15 Unknown like in recovery, it's like

38:15 - 38:17 Unknown anything you do too much can be viewed

38:17 - 38:19 Unknown as like unhealthy. And then there's a

38:19 - 38:21 Unknown lot of like low selfworth things. So a

38:21 - 38:23 Unknown lot of times a lot of the people I would

38:23 - 38:25 Unknown sleep with were people I was not

38:25 - 38:26 Unknown attracted to which is like a low

38:26 - 38:28 Unknown selfworth type of thing where if you're

38:28 - 38:30 Unknown sleeping with people that you don't want

38:30 - 38:31 Unknown to be sleeping with. That's because you

38:31 - 38:33 Unknown you hate yourself so much that you're

38:33 - 38:35 Unknown sleeping with people to feel some type

38:35 - 38:36 Unknown of validation and feel even worse which

38:36 - 38:39 Unknown is you know people don't talk about it's

38:39 - 38:40 Unknown called like being promiscuous like a

38:40 - 38:41 Unknown promiscuous male. I've always been a

38:41 - 38:43 Unknown promiscuous male. And then um as time

38:43 - 38:46 Unknown went on, I got into webcamming.

38:46 - 38:50 Unknown So my friend and his wife were making a

38:50 - 38:51 Unknown ton of money webcaming. Okay.

38:51 - 38:53 Unknown I was like 19.

38:53 - 38:55 Unknown Okay. Okay. So this started like uh

38:55 - 38:56 Unknown early.

38:56 - 38:57 Unknown I had like two years clean. Okay.

38:57 - 38:59 Unknown So you imagine I have like years clean

38:59 - 39:00 Unknown already.

39:00 - 39:01 Unknown Yeah.

39:01 - 39:03 Unknown So even though I I'm 19 in my like my

39:03 - 39:04 Unknown friend who's telling me this is 30.

39:04 - 39:06 Unknown So So I've always had older friends.

39:06 - 39:08 Unknown When I got in recovery,

39:08 - 39:09 Unknown I had friends who were,

39:09 - 39:11 Unknown you know, all my friends in recovery

39:11 - 39:13 Unknown also older than me. So, I remember him

39:13 - 39:15 Unknown and his wife were probably 30 and they

39:15 - 39:17 Unknown were making like $1,000 a night

39:17 - 39:18 Unknown webcaming.

39:18 - 39:19 Unknown Wow.

39:19 - 39:21 Unknown And I was like, damn, I don't have a

39:21 - 39:22 Unknown wife, but you know, I don't want to do

39:22 - 39:24 Unknown like anything, you know, home gay, you

39:24 - 39:26 Unknown know? So, I didn't want to do anything

39:26 - 39:27 Unknown gay or whatever. So, then I remember

39:27 - 39:29 Unknown he told me I could hire webcam girls and

39:29 - 39:31 Unknown I would get a fee for bringing them on.

39:31 - 39:32 Unknown Okay. Okay.

39:32 - 39:33 Unknown So then I used to do that and then that

39:33 - 39:36 Unknown was like fun or whatever, but when like

39:36 - 39:39 Unknown adult content when like doing adult

39:39 - 39:41 Unknown stuff and money came together,

39:41 - 39:43 Unknown I read this book where it was like this

39:43 - 39:45 Unknown UFC fighter and he was talking about like

39:45 - 39:47 Unknown he always loved fighting but the first

39:47 - 39:49 Unknown time he got paid to fight, that's when

39:49 - 39:51 Unknown like lightning struck. Yeah.

39:51 - 39:53 Unknown So for me, the adult content, the

39:53 - 39:56 Unknown creativity and the money when that came

39:56 - 39:58 Unknown together, you know, someone was was

39:58 - 40:00 Unknown asking like, What is it about adult

40:00 - 40:02 Unknown content that you like? And it's like

40:02 - 40:04 Unknown when you make art and you do something

40:04 - 40:07 Unknown that you know, in your garage or

40:07 - 40:09 Unknown whatever, that's cool. But as soon as

40:09 - 40:11 Unknown someone buys it,

40:11 - 40:12 Unknown Yeah.

40:12 - 40:14 Unknown it's like, Oh, wow. This is some this

40:14 - 40:16 Unknown is something now. You know, and not

40:16 - 40:18 Unknown that like money validates it, but money

40:18 - 40:21 Unknown lets it like come to life, you know,

40:21 - 40:23 Unknown where someone is now

40:23 - 40:25 Unknown has this hanging in their house. Someone

40:25 - 40:27 Unknown thought that out of all the pieces of

40:27 - 40:29 Unknown art out there, they bought yours.

40:29 - 40:30 Unknown They bought yours.

40:30 - 40:32 Unknown So, there is a feeling of,

40:32 - 40:34 Unknown hey, it's Lex Star. If you've made it

40:34 - 40:36 Unknown this far, I just wanted to take a moment

40:36 - 40:38 Unknown to thank you for sticking around. If you

40:38 - 40:40 Unknown are enjoying the show, I would love if

40:40 - 40:41 Unknown you could subscribe. Now, why would I

40:41 - 40:43 Unknown ask you this? The more subscribers we

40:43 - 40:45 Unknown have, the easier it is for me to bring

40:45 - 40:46 Unknown on fun, exciting, and entertaining

40:46 - 40:49 Unknown guests on the show for you to enjoy. So,

40:49 - 40:51 Unknown let's keep the conversation going. Now,

40:51 - 40:52 Unknown let's get back to the show.

40:52 - 40:55 Unknown So, there is a feeling of fulfillment

40:55 - 40:58 Unknown that comes with creating any type of

40:58 - 41:00 Unknown content that's for purchase, you know,

41:00 - 41:02 Unknown or gets viewed or whatever. And even

41:02 - 41:04 Unknown though someone might think it's like low

41:04 - 41:06 Unknown vibrational, like, okay, is that really

41:06 - 41:07 Unknown art?

41:07 - 41:08 Unknown Mhm.

41:08 - 41:10 Unknown Let me tell you something. The people

41:10 - 41:11 Unknown who goon, that is that is art to them,

41:11 - 41:13 Unknown bro.

41:13 - 41:15 Unknown Yeah. No, 10,000%.

41:15 - 41:17 Unknown Because it's like there's so much people

41:17 - 41:19 Unknown out there making content today.

41:19 - 41:21 Unknown For you to stand out,

41:21 - 41:23 Unknown you are [ __ ] Van Go.

41:23 - 41:25 Unknown You know what I mean? Like you are

41:25 - 41:26 Unknown somebody who is really doing something

41:26 - 41:27 Unknown special.

41:27 - 41:29 Unknown And if you think it's easy, like

41:29 - 41:30 Unknown it's definitely not easy.

41:30 - 41:33 Unknown You would have done it. So then,

41:33 - 41:35 Unknown so to fast forward so then I started

41:35 - 41:36 Unknown like a business. I used to do like

41:36 - 41:38 Unknown motorcycles and then I got into like

41:38 - 41:39 Unknown being a jigalo.

41:39 - 41:40 Unknown Oh, okay.

41:40 - 41:41 Unknown Yeah. So, I was a jiggle. Yeah, I was a

41:41 - 41:43 Unknown jiggle at one point.

41:43 - 41:45 Unknown I never slept with Cassie,

41:45 - 41:47 Unknown but um some of my co-workers have.

41:47 - 41:49 Unknown No. Oh, Cassie. Cassie.

41:49 - 41:51 Unknown Yeah. Like did it Cassie? No way.

41:51 - 41:52 Unknown Yeah. So, um I actually did a I actually

41:52 - 41:55 Unknown got called from an attorney to question

41:55 - 41:56 Unknown me about like some stuff with the case.

41:56 - 41:58 Unknown Yeah.

41:58 - 41:59 Unknown No freaking way.

41:59 - 42:01 Unknown Yeah. So, then I was like a male jigalo

42:01 - 42:02 Unknown and

42:02 - 42:05 Unknown How long did you do that for?

42:05 - 42:06 Unknown Way longer than I should have.

42:06 - 42:08 Unknown Really? There was times where I had

42:08 - 42:10 Unknown money and what I'm telling you like you

42:10 - 42:12 Unknown know what when it's weird because it

42:12 - 42:15 Unknown kind of gave me like this weird thing

42:15 - 42:17 Unknown cuz it's like girls do this. I know

42:17 - 42:20 Unknown girls who are escorts or whatever and

42:20 - 42:22 Unknown they'll be I'll be like you know what's

42:22 - 42:23 Unknown your favorite type and they'll like a

42:23 - 42:25 Unknown Subway dude that gives me money. I don't care.

42:25 - 42:27 Unknown I don't care if he's ugly. When when

42:27 - 42:29 Unknown that when he sends me that zel my

42:29 - 42:31 Unknown cat gets wet.

42:31 - 42:33 Unknown Yeah. Yeah.

42:33 - 42:34 Unknown And I used to be like that's crazy. Now,

42:34 - 42:36 Unknown as a guy, I've I've I've gotten paid so

42:36 - 42:38 Unknown much from women. Wow.

42:38 - 42:41 Unknown That there are women out there that

42:41 - 42:42 Unknown I don't think they're that attractive.

42:42 - 42:44 Unknown But the fact that they're paying me

42:44 - 42:45 Unknown Yeah.

42:45 - 42:47 Unknown turns me on, you know? So, there was

42:47 - 42:49 Unknown times where I remember I remember I

42:49 - 42:51 Unknown already had a business. I was already,

42:51 - 42:53 Unknown you know, super successful and I was my

42:53 - 42:55 Unknown friend called me and he's like, Bro, I

42:55 - 42:57 Unknown need you. And I was like, Dude, I'm

42:57 - 42:58 Unknown out of the game. Like, I'm not I'm not

42:58 - 43:00 Unknown doing that anymore.

43:00 - 43:01 Unknown And he was like, Bro, this girl's going

43:01 - 43:03 Unknown to pay you. And it was like probably

43:03 - 43:04 Unknown like two grand.

43:04 - 43:05 Unknown Wow.

43:05 - 43:07 Unknown For her to go down on me.

43:07 - 43:09 Unknown Jeez.

43:09 - 43:10 Unknown And I was like, What does she look

43:10 - 43:12 Unknown like? And he's like, Bro, she ain't

43:12 - 43:14 Unknown pretty, but she but she will suck a a

43:14 - 43:16 Unknown [ __ ] football through a garden host,

43:16 - 43:18 Unknown you know. And he was like, Bro, when I

43:18 - 43:21 Unknown tell you it's top 10, it's top 10.

43:21 - 43:22 Unknown So, I was like, and this is my boy,

43:22 - 43:24 Unknown like, he's helped me out. He's,

43:24 - 43:26 Unknown you know, like he he put me on in a lot

43:26 - 43:27 Unknown of things that I owe him. So yeah, and I

43:27 - 43:30 Unknown know he's been you had to do it.

43:30 - 43:32 Unknown I know he's stuck and I know he's been

43:32 - 43:34 Unknown stuck with her for 5 days. So he's like,

43:34 - 43:35 Unknown Come save me.

43:35 - 43:37 Unknown So I was like, All right. So I pull up

43:37 - 43:40 Unknown and uh I go in there and a lot of su

43:40 - 43:41 Unknown she's a very successful woman. Okay.

43:41 - 43:43 Unknown So a lot of super successful men or

43:43 - 43:44 Unknown women

43:44 - 43:46 Unknown in the bedroom like to like the opposite

43:46 - 43:48 Unknown of power or they like to be degraded.

43:48 - 43:49 Unknown Okay.

43:49 - 43:51 Unknown As soon as she walked in, she was like,

43:51 - 43:53 Unknown Hi, nice to meet you. My friend like

43:53 - 43:55 Unknown grabbed her by the hair, threw her on

43:55 - 43:56 Unknown her knees, and was like, Do you know

43:56 - 43:59 Unknown who this is? Show some respect.

43:59 - 44:01 Unknown Oh. Okay. So, your boy was there with

44:01 - 44:02 Unknown you?

44:02 - 44:04 Unknown Yeah, my boy was there with me. He was

44:04 - 44:05 Unknown like slapping her around. Oh my god.

44:05 - 44:07 Unknown I was like,

44:07 - 44:11 Unknown and I've learned like she's in this is

44:11 - 44:12 Unknown what she wants.

44:12 - 44:14 Unknown What she's into. Yeah. And

44:14 - 44:16 Unknown I I just could, you know, I just was

44:16 - 44:18 Unknown like that's crazy because she was so

44:18 - 44:19 Unknown old.

44:19 - 44:21 Unknown Okay. So she was young and whatever. But

44:21 - 44:23 Unknown she was like this older lady, but she

44:23 - 44:26 Unknown was like, Yes, master. Yes, master. He

44:26 - 44:28 Unknown wasn't lying. It was like 10 out of 10.

44:28 - 44:29 Unknown Wow. Was that your last one?

44:29 - 44:31 Unknown That was my No, I've had a couple.

44:31 - 44:34 Unknown That's why it was like one of my last

44:34 - 44:36 Unknown ones. But I remember my my boy my other

44:36 - 44:38 Unknown friend walked in where I guess he got

44:38 - 44:39 Unknown the call too to come in and

44:39 - 44:41 Unknown save the day.

44:41 - 44:43 Unknown Save the day. And when he walked in and

44:43 - 44:45 Unknown see me, he was like, Bro, what are you

44:45 - 44:46 Unknown doing here? To him, he was like, this

44:46 - 44:48 Unknown is what he said verbatim. He was like,

44:48 - 44:50 Unknown Why you here tricking in the trap with

44:50 - 44:51 Unknown us?

44:51 - 44:51 Unknown Oh, yeah.

44:51 - 44:53 Unknown When you outside, you got a McLaren,

44:53 - 44:55 Unknown you know? And I was like, I'm just here

44:55 - 44:56 Unknown to help a friend.

44:56 - 44:58 Unknown They're just here to help a friend.

44:58 - 45:01 Unknown That's

45:01 - 45:02 Unknown But yeah, I did that off and on for like

45:02 - 45:03 Unknown probably like I probably did it

45:03 - 45:05 Unknown for like four years.

45:05 - 45:07 Unknown Wow.

45:07 - 45:09 Unknown And then I probably like did it a couple

45:09 - 45:11 Unknown times for another three.

45:11 - 45:13 Unknown Wow. Wow. And you've been posting

45:13 - 45:15 Unknown content since when?

45:15 - 45:18 Unknown So I started I posted my first video in

45:18 - 45:19 Unknown 2018.

45:19 - 45:21 Unknown Okay. So in 2018, so at the time, so in

45:21 - 45:23 Unknown 2018, I'm a drug rehab owner, super

45:23 - 45:26 Unknown successful. I started doing stuff with I

45:26 - 45:28 Unknown started doing charity with kids.

45:28 - 45:30 Unknown So at the time, I have like a super

45:30 - 45:31 Unknown clean image.

45:31 - 45:33 Unknown I even got rid of my book because it was

45:33 - 45:35 Unknown so disgusting. I never wanted anyone to

45:35 - 45:37 Unknown see it. So I like a very clean image. I

45:37 - 45:39 Unknown have over 200 employees.

45:39 - 45:40 Unknown Wow.

45:40 - 45:41 Unknown You know, I have multiple businesses,

45:41 - 45:43 Unknown but at the time like I don't want to get

45:43 - 45:45 Unknown married. I don't want to have kids and

45:45 - 45:46 Unknown I'm like I'm sleeping with like the most

45:46 - 45:49 Unknown beautiful women in the world. You know,

45:49 - 45:51 Unknown at that time like I I was 27. I like

45:51 - 45:52 Unknown life couldn't get better.

45:52 - 45:54 Unknown And my one friend Alex Adams was the

45:54 - 45:56 Unknown number one

45:56 - 45:57 Unknown guy on on PH still is,

45:57 - 45:59 Unknown you know,

45:59 - 46:01 Unknown huge guy. And I've known Alex Adams

46:01 - 46:03 Unknown since he got sober or clean. So, I've

46:03 - 46:06 Unknown seen him go from like Hondao Accord to

46:06 - 46:09 Unknown like McLarens, Rolls-Royces, and all

46:09 - 46:10 Unknown this stuff.

46:10 - 46:12 Unknown And he's such a nice guy, and he's

46:12 - 46:13 Unknown hardcore into recovery.

46:13 - 46:15 Unknown So, me and him started talking. I was

46:15 - 46:17 Unknown like, How does it work? He showed me

46:17 - 46:18 Unknown how it works.

46:18 - 46:20 Unknown So, I was like, Whatever, I'm going to

46:20 - 46:21 Unknown do a video and not show my face.

46:21 - 46:22 Unknown Yeah.

46:22 - 46:23 Unknown So, I put like five, six videos up that

46:23 - 46:25 Unknown don't show my face and they just tank.

46:25 - 46:27 Unknown Not doing good. So, what am I doing

46:27 - 46:27 Unknown wrong?

46:27 - 46:29 Unknown So, oh, I got to talk more. Mhm.

46:29 - 46:30 Unknown So, I do this one video where I pick up

46:30 - 46:32 Unknown this girl from the gas station and um it

46:32 - 46:35 Unknown is the number one video on the hub.

46:35 - 46:36 Unknown No way.

46:36 - 46:38 Unknown On December of 2018, it like won number

46:38 - 46:39 Unknown one. I even beat Alex Adams. No way.

46:39 - 46:41 Unknown It got like 27 million views in like a

46:41 - 46:42 Unknown month.

46:42 - 46:43 Unknown Yeah.

46:43 - 46:45 Unknown So, I was like, damn.

46:45 - 46:47 Unknown Were you showing your face?

46:47 - 46:49 Unknown He wasn't showing my face.

46:49 - 46:51 Unknown Someone sent it to me and was like, bro,

46:51 - 46:53 Unknown what the hell are you doing? I was like,

46:53 - 46:55 Unknown how do you know that's me? He goes,

46:55 - 46:57 Unknown that's your voice. Yeah,

46:57 - 47:00 Unknown that's you attempting to speak Spanish.

47:00 - 47:01 Unknown You don't speak Spanish?

47:01 - 47:03 Unknown Not.

47:03 - 47:06 Unknown So he goes, That's your G Wagon.

47:06 - 47:07 Unknown Uhhuh.

47:07 - 47:09 Unknown And that's Pine Island Road.

47:09 - 47:10 Unknown Yeah. Oh, [ __ ]

47:10 - 47:12 Unknown And I'm like, All right, this dude is

47:12 - 47:14 Unknown just a weirdo. Plus, he lives out of

47:14 - 47:16 Unknown state, so I blocked Florida.

47:16 - 47:18 Unknown Mhm.

47:18 - 47:19 Unknown And I was like, Oh, you can only see it

47:19 - 47:21 Unknown cuz you live in like Asheville. And he

47:21 - 47:22 Unknown goes, No, bro. I'm in Florida right

47:22 - 47:23 Unknown now.

47:23 - 47:25 Unknown And I was like, I thought I blocked

47:25 - 47:25 Unknown it.

47:25 - 47:26 Unknown Yeah.

47:26 - 47:27 Unknown So, whatever. You're just a weirdo.

47:27 - 47:28 Unknown Yeah.

47:28 - 47:30 Unknown Next day, someone else sends it to me.

47:30 - 47:31 Unknown Couple weeks go by, someone else sends

47:31 - 47:32 Unknown it to me.

47:32 - 47:33 Unknown That's the worst.

47:33 - 47:35 Unknown So then, but they're sending it out of

47:35 - 47:36 Unknown concern.

47:36 - 47:37 Unknown Okay.

47:37 - 47:39 Unknown They're sending out of like, bro, are

47:39 - 47:40 Unknown you throwing your life away?

47:40 - 47:42 Unknown Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

47:42 - 47:44 Unknown Cuz in 2018, doing,

47:44 - 47:45 Unknown you know, adult content wasn't cool.

47:45 - 47:46 Unknown Yeah.

47:46 - 47:49 Unknown It was like, if you're doing adult

47:49 - 47:51 Unknown content in 2018, you desperate for money

47:51 - 47:52 Unknown or something, you know? People didn't

47:52 - 47:54 Unknown know that you could make money like

47:54 - 47:55 Unknown that. People thought you get paid 300

47:55 - 47:57 Unknown bucks to do a video, whatever, as a guy,

47:57 - 47:58 Unknown you know?

47:58 - 48:01 Unknown So then I'm like whatever it's going. So

48:01 - 48:03 Unknown I make another video also goes viral. I

48:03 - 48:05 Unknown make another video it also goes viral.

48:05 - 48:06 Unknown Sick.

48:06 - 48:09 Unknown Then one day a client sends it to me. An

48:09 - 48:11 Unknown alumni client from the drug rehab.

48:11 - 48:13 Unknown And I was like so I was telling him

48:13 - 48:15 Unknown like, Bro, you got to take your

48:15 - 48:16 Unknown recovery seriously. You're going to die.

48:16 - 48:19 Unknown Uh you need to focus on staying clean.

48:19 - 48:21 Unknown You think it's a [ __ ] joke. He goes,

48:21 - 48:23 Unknown Yeah, bro. How's your [ __ ] porn

48:23 - 48:24 Unknown career? M.

48:24 - 48:26 Unknown And I was like, What? And he's like,

48:26 - 48:28 Unknown No, I'm just playing. I was like, No,

48:28 - 48:29 Unknown what are you talking about? And he

48:29 - 48:30 Unknown sends me the video. And I was like, How

48:30 - 48:32 Unknown did you find that? And he's like, A

48:32 - 48:34 Unknown bunch of people sent it to me.

48:34 - 48:35 Unknown Oh [ __ ]

48:35 - 48:37 Unknown And I'm like, Oh my god.

48:37 - 48:41 Unknown So then I have business partnersh

48:41 - 48:43 Unknown I'm speaking at church every once in a

48:43 - 48:44 Unknown while, you know.

48:44 - 48:46 Unknown So then I was like, Damn. So then I

48:46 - 48:47 Unknown deleted all the videos.

48:47 - 48:48 Unknown Oh, [ __ ]

48:48 - 48:50 Unknown Deleted all the videos and I was like,

48:50 - 48:51 Unknown All right, I'm going to keep making

48:51 - 48:52 Unknown videos until I sell my company.

48:52 - 48:53 Unknown Okay.

48:53 - 48:55 Unknown So then I kept making videos.

48:55 - 48:56 Unknown [ __ ] You should have kept them on

48:56 - 48:57 Unknown though.

48:57 - 48:59 Unknown I know. I didn't want people to see them

48:59 - 49:01 Unknown still.

49:01 - 49:02 Unknown Yeah, I deleted all them and then

49:02 - 49:04 Unknown if if you you know, you still generate

49:04 - 49:05 Unknown money from it. Um if you kept it on, but

49:05 - 49:06 Unknown anyway,

49:06 - 49:08 Unknown you didn't want people to see them and

49:09 - 49:11 Unknown like the only ones that did well were

49:11 - 49:13 Unknown the ones that had a lot of like talking

49:13 - 49:15 Unknown and like you know, a lot of you know,

49:15 - 49:16 Unknown not just like a straight POV.

49:16 - 49:17 Unknown Yeah. Yeah.

49:17 - 49:21 Unknown And then um that was like my my goal for

49:21 - 49:22 Unknown years was like, All right, I'm gonna

49:22 - 49:23 Unknown sell my company. I'm gonna do adult

49:23 - 49:25 Unknown content for years. And then COVID

49:25 - 49:26 Unknown happened. M

49:26 - 49:29 Unknown and then I missed that whole co wave

49:29 - 49:31 Unknown and then it was taking forever to sell

49:31 - 49:33 Unknown my company and then like I had like I

49:33 - 49:34 Unknown was telling you like I had like the

49:34 - 49:36 Unknown three worst years of my life where like

49:36 - 49:37 Unknown you got to sell your company on an

49:37 - 49:39 Unknown upswing. So I was like dude we're

49:39 - 49:41 Unknown nowhere near selling now.

49:41 - 49:43 Unknown So then for like five years

49:43 - 49:45 Unknown I kept making the content but I wasn't

49:45 - 49:46 Unknown putting it out.

49:46 - 49:48 Unknown And then like a lot of the videos back

49:48 - 49:49 Unknown then I couldn't I wasn't watching them

49:49 - 49:51 Unknown so I couldn't see how they were doing.

49:51 - 49:53 Unknown Okay. So, I wasn't able to like make

49:53 - 49:55 Unknown videos at like a high quality that I

49:55 - 49:57 Unknown would now. So, a lot of those older

49:57 - 49:58 Unknown videos, whatever.

49:58 - 50:01 Unknown And then I finally like left my company,

50:01 - 50:02 Unknown took a buyout,

50:02 - 50:05 Unknown and then started doing it full-time.

50:05 - 50:07 Unknown And then that was in 2023. So, I've been

50:07 - 50:08 Unknown doing it for like two years now.

50:08 - 50:09 Unknown Okay.

50:09 - 50:11 Unknown Full time.

50:11 - 50:12 Unknown [ __ ] That's awesome. Well, you're

50:12 - 50:13 Unknown you're doing really good.

50:13 - 50:15 Unknown Thanks. It didn't start out that way.

50:15 - 50:17 Unknown When I started putting on my videos,

50:17 - 50:18 Unknown they were tanking.

50:18 - 50:20 Unknown The same video that got 27 million views

50:20 - 50:22 Unknown got like 100,000. Honestly, I don't know

50:22 - 50:24 Unknown how it works on on on PH. It's like

50:24 - 50:26 Unknown I can post a video. I think I I had a

50:26 - 50:28 Unknown video that got like 24 million views

50:28 - 50:30 Unknown and then like you're on this high and

50:30 - 50:32 Unknown all of a sudden it's like you go on

50:32 - 50:33 Unknown a low and then again.

50:33 - 50:35 Unknown Well, I think right now it's a ring

50:35 - 50:37 Unknown around Rosie. So, I think that you'll

50:37 - 50:39 Unknown have one good month and then they'll

50:39 - 50:41 Unknown rotated to other people and then you

50:41 - 50:42 Unknown have another good month. So, to me like

50:42 - 50:43 Unknown every 90 days it comes around.

50:43 - 50:44 Unknown Yeah,

50:44 - 50:46 Unknown that's how I see it. But

50:46 - 50:49 Unknown if you would have been putting out those

50:49 - 50:50 Unknown videos in 2018, they would have been

50:50 - 50:52 Unknown going crazy viral because before co

50:52 - 50:53 Unknown there was so little competition

50:53 - 50:56 Unknown that you could have posted anything

50:56 - 50:59 Unknown and you would have blown up. So now that

50:59 - 51:01 Unknown there's so many creators, it's so

51:01 - 51:03 Unknown saturated that it's so hard to stand

51:03 - 51:04 Unknown out.

51:04 - 51:05 Unknown Yeah.

51:05 - 51:08 Unknown So, but at the time I was putting out I

51:08 - 51:11 Unknown think I put out like 30 videos.

51:11 - 51:13 Unknown Wow. And I think I had like 7 million

51:13 - 51:16 Unknown views and I was like, Oh, I've waited

51:16 - 51:18 Unknown years to do this and this is what's

51:18 - 51:19 Unknown going on. Like I walked away from a

51:19 - 51:21 Unknown multi-million dollar company

51:21 - 51:23 Unknown to pursue this

51:23 - 51:25 Unknown so I could like barely make my car

51:25 - 51:27 Unknown payment, you know, and like everyone and

51:27 - 51:29 Unknown then like it wasn't like doing adult

51:29 - 51:32 Unknown content and it not popping off is

51:32 - 51:34 Unknown embarrassing. So it's like So it's like,

51:34 - 51:35 Unknown oh yeah, uh this guy who used to be this

51:35 - 51:39 Unknown great guy now does adult content and

51:39 - 51:41 Unknown and his videos aren't getting any views.

51:41 - 51:42 Unknown It's going nowhere. Yeah. So it was

51:42 - 51:45 Unknown definitely like there's definitely an

51:45 - 51:46 Unknown ugly stage

51:46 - 51:47 Unknown Yeah.

51:47 - 51:49 Unknown of adult content where you're starting

51:49 - 51:51 Unknown out. I remember like I put put out that

51:51 - 51:53 Unknown I had an OAF and like I couldn't get

51:53 - 51:55 Unknown like my ID to upload and like they

51:55 - 51:57 Unknown weren't letting videos.

51:57 - 51:58 Unknown That's so annoying every time. like

51:58 - 52:01 Unknown you're new so so it's like embarrassing

52:01 - 52:02 Unknown to be like oh my god like

52:02 - 52:04 Unknown it's when you start any business it's

52:04 - 52:05 Unknown not like that

52:05 - 52:07 Unknown yeah no definitely

52:07 - 52:08 Unknown it's definitely not

52:08 - 52:11 Unknown when you have people sending you videos

52:11 - 52:13 Unknown of yourself like I had some one of my

52:13 - 52:15 Unknown cousins text me at 2 in the morning and

52:15 - 52:16 Unknown say no way you do porn

52:16 - 52:19 Unknown 2 in the morning I don't know why I even

52:19 - 52:21 Unknown open my eyes I look at my phone and I'm

52:21 - 52:22 Unknown like

52:22 - 52:25 Unknown how the [ __ ] am I going to sleep now you

52:25 - 52:27 Unknown know at like two in the morning so yeah

52:27 - 52:30 Unknown So I had so all my close friends knew.

52:30 - 52:32 Unknown So that was a big thing for me. So I

52:32 - 52:34 Unknown before I

52:34 - 52:36 Unknown like publicly started to do it

52:36 - 52:38 Unknown again, I went to go see a sexologist

52:38 - 52:41 Unknown like two years before, three years

52:41 - 52:42 Unknown before.

52:42 - 52:44 Unknown Okay. And I went to go see like he's a

52:44 - 52:46 Unknown psychologist therapist and I've been

52:46 - 52:48 Unknown looking for like a therapist for like

52:48 - 52:50 Unknown months and I finally found this guy

52:50 - 52:52 Unknown and um a part of me was like what's

52:52 - 52:53 Unknown wrong with me where

52:53 - 52:55 Unknown I'm successful in business.

52:55 - 52:57 Unknown I you know love to help people you know

52:57 - 53:00 Unknown I you know I'm trying to be like a

53:00 - 53:02 Unknown philanthropist. I have a drug rehab like

53:02 - 53:04 Unknown all like I do all these great things. I

53:04 - 53:05 Unknown just spoke at my church on Sunday.

53:05 - 53:07 Unknown But then I also like to do

53:07 - 53:09 Unknown yeah,

53:09 - 53:09 Unknown you know,

53:09 - 53:11 Unknown adult content at my house, you know,

53:11 - 53:13 Unknown whatever or whatever it is.

53:13 - 53:15 Unknown So, all my friends were like married

53:15 - 53:17 Unknown with kids and I was just like, dude,

53:17 - 53:19 Unknown like I just don't want I just don't see

53:19 - 53:21 Unknown that for myself, you know?

53:21 - 53:23 Unknown And I remember I went to this guy and I

53:23 - 53:24 Unknown was talking to him. I was telling him

53:24 - 53:25 Unknown about my story. And I had met with him

53:25 - 53:27 Unknown like multiple times and I was in this

53:27 - 53:29 Unknown conflicting state of like I want to do

53:29 - 53:32 Unknown this but I feel shame and guilt about it

53:32 - 53:34 Unknown and I want to do this but is it wrong?

53:34 - 53:35 Unknown Cuz in recovery you're not supposed to

53:35 - 53:37 Unknown have a double life. So I kept thinking

53:37 - 53:38 Unknown like I had this double life

53:38 - 53:40 Unknown and uh after a couple sessions my

53:40 - 53:43 Unknown therapist like all right so I pretty

53:43 - 53:45 Unknown much know your whole story now. And he

53:45 - 53:46 Unknown was like, So,

53:46 - 53:48 Unknown you're this like successful,

53:48 - 53:50 Unknown nice, good guy, whatever, but you like

53:50 - 53:51 Unknown doing adult content,

53:51 - 53:53 Unknown and I bet you get you really get off on

53:53 - 53:55 Unknown it, huh? And I was like, I guess. He

53:55 - 53:56 Unknown said, I bet you feel like real dirty

53:56 - 53:58 Unknown when you're doing it, too. And I was

53:58 - 53:59 Unknown like, Something. He's like, I bet you

53:59 - 54:01 Unknown do it sometimes and times you're not

54:01 - 54:02 Unknown supposed to be doing like during the

54:02 - 54:03 Unknown workday or something. I was like,

54:03 - 54:05 Unknown Sometimes.

54:05 - 54:07 Unknown And he was like,

54:07 - 54:09 Unknown Sounds like you got a guilty pleasure.

54:09 - 54:12 Unknown And I was like, I do. And he goes,

54:12 - 54:14 Unknown And who the [ __ ] doesn't have one of

54:14 - 54:15 Unknown those?

54:15 - 54:15 Unknown Exactly. Yo, that's really good. That's

54:15 - 54:17 Unknown a good way to think about it.

54:17 - 54:19 Unknown He was like, you don't think your

54:19 - 54:21 Unknown [ __ ] employees are getting off?

54:21 - 54:23 Unknown You don't think the people that you're

54:23 - 54:24 Unknown friends with are freaking watching all

54:24 - 54:26 Unknown types of stuff? You don't think that the

54:26 - 54:28 Unknown people in in your little recovery group

54:28 - 54:31 Unknown has all type of weird fetishes and

54:31 - 54:32 Unknown things that they're into or whatever?

54:32 - 54:34 Unknown And then he was like,

54:34 - 54:36 Unknown Do your friends know? I said, Yeah.

54:36 - 54:38 Unknown He goes, Your close friends know? I

54:38 - 54:39 Unknown said, Your family knows. I said,

54:39 - 54:41 Unknown Yeah. He's like, And you're doing

54:41 - 54:42 Unknown this with consenting adults? I said,

54:42 - 54:44 Unknown Yeah. And he goes, And you found a

54:44 - 54:45 Unknown way to make money at it? I said,

54:45 - 54:47 Unknown Yeah. He goes, Who the [ __ ] is having

54:47 - 54:49 Unknown a better life than you?

54:49 - 54:50 Unknown Exactly.

54:50 - 54:52 Unknown And I was like, Dan, you're so right.

54:52 - 54:53 Unknown And he's

54:53 - 54:55 Unknown That's That's what I needed to hear.

54:55 - 54:56 Unknown Yeah. And he goes He's like, You know

54:56 - 54:58 Unknown what I like to do? He goes, Sometimes

54:58 - 55:01 Unknown I tell he's talking like his therapist

55:01 - 55:03 Unknown clients. He's like or his therapy

55:03 - 55:04 Unknown clients, he's like, Sometimes I tell

55:04 - 55:05 Unknown clients I'm not feeling good. But it's

55:05 - 55:07 Unknown not true.

55:07 - 55:08 Unknown I'm at home eating ice cream

55:08 - 55:11 Unknown and it's and it's noon.

55:11 - 55:12 Unknown Yeah.

55:12 - 55:13 Unknown In my underwear.

55:13 - 55:14 Unknown Yeah.

55:14 - 55:15 Unknown And I just said, I'm not going to go to

55:15 - 55:16 Unknown work today. I'm just going to eat ice

55:16 - 55:18 Unknown cream all day. M

55:18 - 55:20 Unknown that's my guilty pleasure. He goes,

55:20 - 55:21 Unknown That's what I like to do. He goes, I

55:21 - 55:22 Unknown don't care.

55:22 - 55:24 Unknown They don't need to know.

55:24 - 55:26 Unknown They don't need to know why I don't feel

55:26 - 55:27 Unknown like going to work today.

55:27 - 55:28 Unknown Yeah.

55:28 - 55:30 Unknown And he says, It would be inappropriate

55:30 - 55:32 Unknown for you to go tell everybody that you do

55:32 - 55:33 Unknown adult content.

55:33 - 55:34 Unknown Exactly. Right.

55:34 - 55:36 Unknown This is like that would be weird.

55:36 - 55:38 Unknown Yeah. Exactly.

55:38 - 55:40 Unknown And I I'm left there like

55:40 - 55:42 Unknown feeling good. Yeah. Feeling good. I'm

55:42 - 55:44 Unknown sure that probably felt good because me

55:44 - 55:45 Unknown too sometimes I I'm like, Okay, you

55:45 - 55:47 Unknown know, I'm like this good person. I have

55:47 - 55:49 Unknown values this and that and then I go and

55:49 - 55:52 Unknown do adult content, right? So, I I

55:52 - 55:54 Unknown strugled with that. And I mean,

55:54 - 55:56 Unknown there's still days where I'm like, What

55:56 - 55:57 Unknown am I doing?

55:57 - 55:59 Unknown Hey, so sorry for interrupting, but I am

55:59 - 56:01 Unknown glad you made it this far. Part two of

56:01 - 56:02 Unknown this episode is out now, so don't forget

56:02 - 56:04 Unknown to check it out. All right, I'll see you

56:04 - 56:05 Unknown in a little bit. Woo!

56:05 - 56:09 Unknown Hey,

56:09 - 56:12 Unknown hey,

56:12 - 56:15 Unknown woo!

56:15 - 56:16 Unknown Hey!